To Spoon Or Not To Spoon

I'm a regular reader. Great blog. Here's my question: When spooning, what is the dominant or alpha position, the "outside", holding her in a protective embrace, or the "inside", with her clinging to you like the bun on a hot dog? I used to think the outside was dominant, but now I'm not so sure. Sometimes it makes me feel like a hanger-on, like I'm behind her and she's leading the way, so to speak.

It can kind of get into a second guessing sort of thing, so try not to over think it. It's not so much the position of your bodies together, but which side of the bed you're on / who announced the cuddling. If you cuddle up to her, you're implying that she is dominant. If she cuddles up to you, you are more dominant.

However you can also be dominant by telling her to come to you, or telling her you're coming over to her side of the bed. There's some obvious dominance in sliding over to her side of the bed and simply saying "spoons" and prompting her to roll over by gently pushing on her hip.

The only one I'd really watch for is her laying on her back and you laying your head on her shoulder. That's kind of "little boy needs his mom" weak to me. We do like the opposite where she lays her head on my shoulder though. She just fits into me so well with my arm around her. If you caught a hint of a double standard there, that's because there is one. I'd apologize but I'm obnoxious.

Taking this further - I quite like the woman on top sexual positions, it's easy to last a while and I get to relax in it and touch Jennifer anywhere I want to. However it objectively appears to be a dominant position for the woman. The differences being that (1) I usually tell her to get on top of me and she complies and (2) I can bench press her.

As I've moved into more Alpha behavior I have tended to finish on top of her far more frequently though and increased the roughness to levels of pounding rated "this is consensual right?"  Bonus points for making the bed squeak and a slapping sound as our bodies come together. She's cuddly after those sort of sessions to the point of almost being clingy. At least I think she might be, I usually just get that Oxytocin / Vasopressin surge right afterwards and take a short nap. I guess I really have no clue what she does after I'm finished with her.

So anyway, don't over think it. Just make a move / direct her to make a move on you. Personally I'm terrible at spooning onto Jennifer anyway - I always end up hard and then I can't sleep until we fix the problem.

Public Displays Of Affection Can Fuel Preselection

Jennifer and I work for the same employer, though different departments. There's basically no overlap but once in a while we run into each other at work... as we did today.

Truthfully this was not some grand sweeping off the feet passionate moment, but we did publicly kiss and make a little small talk with each other. There were several playful "break that up", "no kissing" and "ewww" comments from the female peanut gallery.

So I kissed her again and lightly gamed her with very gentle teasing. After all the real issue isn't a tasteful PDA, it's that they are jealous, so I underlined that.

After all there's nothing like making other women jealous to strengthen the Preselection effect.

Reader Story: Back To Basics

Thirteen hour day so defaulting to a great success story email.

My wife and I are in our early 40s, for what it’s worth...

I was lucky enough (or unlucky enough) to marry up – my wife’s natural sex rank is at least a point higher than mine. This meant that when things were going well I was the luckiest guy in the world, but more often than not it meant sex was a cause of friction. Fortunately we’re both fiercely loyal people, so cheating has never been a concern, but we’ve had cyclical stints in our 14 year marriage where sex became very infrequent (once a month or less) and would cause enough friction to discuss the D word.

The last couple of years had been the worst we’ve seen. My wife decided to get back into shape after a decade of frustration over her post-kids body. At the same time, my income cratered in the Great Recession. I was working longer hours than ever, making less money, and somewhere along the line had stopped working out. I didn’t realize it, but she was growing more frustrated by the day. This caused her to act ever more “high maintenance”, and I continued to back off. Knowing that my actions would be wrong (whatever they were), I stopped taking action. By Christmas 2009 we had achieved the ultimate unhealthy relationship.

Sex-wise, my wife had become hotter than ever. I wanted sex, and asked for it, almost every night but she rarely complied; most nights I could hardly sleep due to my raging desire and blue-balls! But the thought of not seeing my kids was unbearable, so I decided to stay put as long as she would let me. Then, suddenly and completely by accident, things changed.

One day in January I got mad enough at myself for being such a wimp in such a bad situation. I vowed not to ask for sex anymore. My bedtime routine became a beer, a benadryl, and my tight-fitting workout boxer briefs. It seemed lame, but I was able to stop pawing at her and get some sleep! I also forced myself to stop caring whether or not she approved of my actions, especially regarding the kids. I became a better dad and a little more alpha in our relationship – not by strategy but by truly not caring anymore.

The next month I started working out again. Not for any sex or alpha or relationship reason, but just as a way to get back into shape and to relieve some stress.

It didn’t take long for our relationship to change. We started having sex again, and then having it more frequently. It became less of an ‘event’ and instead a more natural evolution of what we were feeling.

Later in the spring somebody introduced me to your blog, and I started trying different ideas ‘on purpose’ instead of by accident. One night I declared that pajama pants are no longer allowed in our bed – a nightie or t-shirt with a thong would be sufficient. I’m not sure what I expected, and I didn’t have a backup plan in place for when she said no, but she complied. ;-)  Occasionally, while we were cleaning up after dinner, I would let her know what she could expect later that night.. Those nice always ended perfectly! My boldest demand came on a night when she was in bed before me and comfortably snuggled up reading her book. I told her if she wants to continue reading her book, she would have to read it standing up and bent over the bed, resting on her elbows. Believe me, that scene, with her wearing a cami and thong... let’s just say we’ll have to repeat that one!

Anyway – we’re now a very happy and healthy couple. We have sex a couple times a week, sometimes more, and the sex is better than it’s been in years. We have more fun together outside the bedroom too – more friendship, more respect, more enjoyment. Life is good. (and so is your advice!) Thank you!

Things were heading towards the right direction before he came across the blog, but he was doing the same principles I suggest so it's another win for the theory. There is no instant fix, but these basic ideas are straightforward and simple. As long as you don't leave it too long, getting your stride back is very possible.

Great job, keep it up!

So When Is The Book You Keep Talking About Getting Done?

"So ... are you writing the book I'm looking for? PUA techniques for the monogamous?

I can't remember the damn name or author of the PUA book I read, but I have you to thank for turning me onto such material. It all seems so very easy to dismiss as ignorant trash. It's the relationship equivalent of Amway ... yet, if you actually do it, it works. Results are hard to argue with.

Love the blog. Consider a webcast. I'm assuming that I don't have to remind you that there is no lack of interest, and your target audience will certainly be available as they are not in bed with their wives or girlfriends.

Best of luck Athol."

Yes indeed I am writing it.

I've had a number of things come together in my real life that are basically forcing me to get it written over the next month. Work may or may not get rough in about a months time and if it does get rough I may not have mental energy to really get it done this year. I've also been not working extra hours so much this year, and while we aren't going under we aren't going up either. So I just have to plow ahead on it.

In a sense I've been writing it from the beginning of the year anyway, so right now I'm basically doing a huge cut and paste job from the blog into something more structured as a first draft. After that it's a few runs of editing and polishing from that. To be honest there won't be very much "new" in the book, just vastly more coherent and understandable with the action plan better defined. The blog is fun, but leaps around topics a little much. A book is a different format. I'm hoping to be done with the writing phase by the end of August.

After that it seems to be about another month to get it published. I'm leaning towards self-publishing via CreateSpace the Amazon.com owned print on demand outfit. So all things going to plan I'm hoping for October 1st publication. Maybe I'm an old fuddy duddy but I need to hold an actual book in my hand rather than simply eBook and I love Amazon.

Also my target audience is as much female as male. I have slightly more female readers than male on the blog as it is. Wives are going to buy it for their husbands to use on them anyway. Women want to be seduced.

I'll probably branch to webcasts eventually. For now I have to get the book done as without a marketable product it's all just a fun hobby but not a Display of Higher Value to Jennifer. As far as I can work the numbers, about 1000 sales would be break even point, and 2000 would be quite happy. I'll not lie and say that I haven't done the fantasy estate planning for royalties though. And while I do thrill to saved marriages I am in it for the money. But a book is only 1/20000th the cost of a divorce and if I get you laid even a couple times more then it plays out on the Hooker Math front as well. So it's win-win.

What would be helpful though is a few more reader stories. I want to have a chapter of "reports from the field" describing things that worked. I also find reader questions extremely helpful as well, they often seem to trigger a post. I'm at  athol.kay@gmail.com.  And please don't keep me a secret!

Also today I passed the 100,000 visitor mark, and I'm poised to beat the 250,000 page view mark in a few hours. I'm by no means a big blog as yet, but it's an exciting beginning for just seven months. I am very grateful for the amount of visitors that have swung by.

With much love.

Athol

Caption Competition...

Useless As A Hat Full Of Busted Assholes

You can read the whole tale at Talk About Marriage, but I couldn't help laughing at the cluelessness of the husband on this one.

"I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. We broke up after 4 years for 1 year, when he started making me less of a priority, so I left. We hardly have sex anymore maybe once every 3 months. I cant get him to do a thing of "man-like duties" around the house. Example for the past 6 months the outlet I use to charge my cell phone every night has become loose and the cord falls out of the outlet and I wake up to a dead cell phone, also the under cabinet lighting he installed (That he NEEDED) and been falling for over 3 years, I asked him to fix these things and he will either refuse, tell me I should figure out how to do myself because he is not my personal handyman, or tells me I better hire an electrician (HE IS AN ELECTRICIAN!!!..WE HAVE THE PARTS IN THE GARAGE!!) He is never romantic I will ask him what he loves about me, because honestly after 9 years i don't know why. He tells me he loves my unconditional love for him...which is a nice way to say I put up with his crap"

I'll stop the story there, but you can easily guess the rest of it - she works with this guy and...  so what should I do? I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. Yada yada yada.

I've posted in the past about fixing up things around the house. However a professional electrician that can't fix the wiring in their own house may well be just too developmentally delayed to salvage.

Fixing unsafe electrical wiring is a Reasonable Request and he's bumping back on it like it's a Fitness Test. Consequence: He's a total jerk. Outlook: Attorneys and Masturbation.

And yes, she's probably nagging him like a sore tooth. But this is all a cautionary tale about how a First Officer will mutiny on a bad Captain. She's turned into the de facto Captain and he's defaulting to a crappy crewman. Plus all this acts as a counterpoint to much of what is being written on Game, he's going to get the boot not simply because he isn't Alpha enough - but because he also isn't Beta enough.

Seriously. Fix an outlet cover, get laid and stay married. What's so hard?

Sexy Move: Get Her To Cook You Breakfast

I did a quick shopping run this morning for hash browns, sausage and waffles. I do love a cooked breakfast. Before I left I told Jennifer where I was going and what I was buying and asked if she wanted coffee as well (Medium Hazelnut Light and Sweet - know your woman's preferences) and I got the gooey eyed look from her. But then it's early morning and she needed to wash her face properly before I could get a heart-all-fuzzy look.

Then I made my move... I pawed at her leg like a puppy wanting something. She laughed and said she'd cook.

"Yay! Being playful gets me what I want! Plus you need to get up anyway."

So off I go, collect the goodies and return home. She's up, teeth brushed and pony tailed (grrrrrowl, let me adjust myself baby) and without the morning breath keeping her tight lipped she kisses better.

Then I guess I just plain get underfoot by planning the breakfast that I asked her to cook. But we're talking and having fun. I end up deciding I have to leave the kitchen and let her do it, or I'm just Alphaing her out of the job so I decide to back off and let her do it.

So I announce I'm clearing out and we have one last kitchen cuddle. She's snuggly his morning. As we break apart I purposely guide one of her hands into my crotch and say "what? Hey! Oh come on!" in mock surprise and outrage.

I'm ordered out of the kitchen by way of an out stretched arm holding a spatula like Babe Ruth calling his shot, but she's beaming and beautiful as she cooks breakfast.

The kids scarf down the eggs, sausage, waffles and hash browns like velociraptors deciding there might not be enough to go around. I have no idea where they learned that behavior. Anyway, the most important thing is that you must NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM, BURRRRRPPPP! SECONDS! NOM NOM NOM NOM! and once you have mastered that you'll have no problems with a wife.

In a bit there will be kitchen clean up and I'll mention in passing that Jennifer was a nice mommy and a good wifey this morning.... that's like a big red easy button that leads directly to her Gina Tingle Cortex....

What Do To About Wifely Nagging For Reasonable Requests

A reader question...

"I stumbled across your blog a few months ago, and I've really appreciated your advice. I'm sure you get plenty of blog post ideas, but I thought of a question that I don't think I've seen you cover before. How do you handle occasional nagging? Even more tricky, how do you handle a reasonable request that's delivered in a nagging way.

My wife doesn't nag very much; it's one of the things I love about her. But occasionally she will, and I usually get blindsided by it. It's easier to respond to a ridiculous request by making a joke of it (and not complying). The hard ones are when the request is probably something I should be doing ( rinsing off dinner plates, carrying stuff upstairs, etc), but it's given in a very naggy way, as if I'm a child.

I suppose the first thing to do is make sure I am pulling my weight around the house, especially with the man's chores. But we all slip up now and then. Any advice on how to respond, possibly comply with the request, and still show some Alpha traits?"

Ah this is a tricky one. She's "right" in that they are reasonable requests, but "wrong" with the tone and demeaning attitude. So even if you comply you lose, and you lose if you don't do it. She loses as well because she has to nag you to get it done, or if she doesn't it doesn't happen.

So you have to reframe the whole situation.

Firstly I'd just draw her attention to the fact that (1) you understand and agree something needs to be done, and (2) that nagging happened and now you're both getting trapped in the dynamic of nagging that is lose-lose.

So then you ask her to repeat the request to you pleasantly. One option for this is starting with a 10 second kiss, or hugging etc. This usually calms you both down and takes the nag / venom out of the reasonable request. If she asks nice you go do it. If she refuses to ask pleasantly, you don't complete the task, or get to it when you have time. Nagging is rude and why would you provide good service to rude people.

The other option for her asking you to complete reasonable requests is to have her cup her breasts and to lift them up and lightly smoosh them together as she asks her request. Studies have shown that for fully covered females this is 57% more effective than female on male nagging for task completion, and tasks are completed on average 37 days earlier. For for revealing tops this increases to 87% more effective and averages 93 days earlier. Unfortunately the data for topless females is incomplete as the research was halted to start a multitude of landscaping and remodeling projects.

Further reading would be Some Common Fitness Tests and Oh Nice Now My Wife Is Gaming Me Back.

Instigate, Escalate, Isolate. (I Think We're Alone Now)

Escalation is escalation of physical touch on a woman, or as better known in PUA lingo as Kino Escalation. In pick ups the idea is you start small and work up towards more intimate areas of her body. So a touch on the forearm builds comfort, a gentle tap on the knee, a quick brush with your hand on her back, picking off fake lint are all easy and inoffensive. After that you can bridge with longer touches, hand holding, arm around her waist, kissing, yada yada yada until you inch towards the inside of her wet panties.

Except in a marriage there's really no worry that you can't get to do all that as you've probably done the touchdown dance hundreds, thousands or even tens of thousands of times already. So sometimes you forget to do it completely. Oops.

The other way you can ramp things up is verbal Instigation. In a pick up this is more of a foreshadowing tactic. When you are chatting some one up, if you then mention in passing that you're going to hit on them shortly, this creates both an expectation that you will hit on them, plus it creates compliance by making them active rather than passive in that they don't walk away.

After you hit on them, you mention you both should get together some time. Later in the conversation you ask her out. Or say that your think her breasts are amazing and you don't know if you can last five minutes without trying to touch them. If she stands there and keeps talking to you for another five minutes...

"You know when we have sex together, it's going to be amazing, I can just tell."  See there's nothing she has to do now, you're not actually dropping your pants and lunging the bayonet in her direction. You're just setting an expectation and making it clear what you want. If she sticks around she's interested at least partially.

Except in a marriage there's really no worry that you can't get to do all that as you've probably done the touchdown dance hundreds, thousands or even tens of thousands of times already. So sometimes you forget to do it completely. Oops again.

So back to basics....

Touch her.

Talk to her.

But here's the trick, you need to Isolate her, pull her out from the herd a little. "Wanna take a walk?" As long as you're isolated together so she isn't more public than she feels comfortable, you can pretty much do anything you want with a wife. She's been to the show so to speak, season tickets so to speak. Isolation is important as if you're more public than she feels comfortable with, whether that's in front of the kids, or parents, or at the mall, or the beach, if you grab at her or say something suggestive it will kick in her Anti-Slut Defense and it will all take a step backwards. Welcome to the look that says "die in a fire". (You know the one!)

The other half of the trick is to Escalate and Instigate randomly and "en passant". As soon as you have an opportunity to lightly spank her butt, or nuzzle a neck, or kiss, or flirt, or tease, or oogle or simply drool a messy "ooooooooooh" at her, you do it. No hesitation, just do it, if you wait too long the moment is gone and you look silly trying to regain the moment. And then you don't stick around too long. Kiss her deep and good and then grin and walk off to whatever it was you were doing.

The attempt to close for sex on her comes when you meet all three elements together in the same moment. You're alone together, touching her in a sexual / intimate way and you're saying that it's the sexy time now. Until then you're just playing with her and not attempting to have sex.

I did NOT have this album by Tiffany. Never happened. No no no no no.

Good day to you sir.

I said GOOD DAY.

Edit: Changed the video to a more recent live version of Tiffany singing on a British Show. I like the MILF thing lol.

Live Long And Prosper

It's abundantly clear from a pure biological standpoint that humans are not designed to be purely monogamous. A reading of any of the basic evolutionary psych primers will get you to that understanding. A cheat sheet version of Sperm Competition and Concealed Ovulation is a reasonable starting point at Wikipedia.

From a biological perspective both men and women appear to to be built for a primary hormonally pair bonded relationship plus opportunistic sex outside that relationship.

Monogamy is a social adaption that is somewhat in conflict with our Body Agenda. Our body is happy to hook up into a primary relationship, but it also keeps on the outlook for something tasty and proximal of the opposite sex. And yes, even if what's at home is tasty too.

So while we are not exactly designed for monogamy, it is a remarkably effective long term strategy as a building block for a society to use to advance. It is somewhat counter intuitive to our individual sexual desires, but I've previously argued that men in particular benefit from monogamy.

And likewise, we are not particularly perfectly designed for other modern social adaptations either. Things that spring to mind are; democracy, capitalism, the rule of law, science, medicine, education, standing in line, the Internet, driving, city apartment dwelling and most obviously... dealing with an ample food supply.

I mean if someone was designing humans from scratch to do all that, we'd all be speaking Vulcan.

Another Evil Medication And OMFG Bald Is Sexy

I had a reader question about her husband's declining ability to have sex. Not interest, ability. Major red flag there. My immediate question was about which medications he was on. Back came the reply and one of them was Propecia which is used for the horribly disfiguring diagnosis of baldness. I know, avert your eyes and pass on the other side of the street. Don't. Make. Eye. Contact.

So anyway... lets Google the medication and head to Wikipedia and take a peek at the side effects shall we...

"Side effects of finasteride include impotence (1.1% to 18.5%), abnormal ejaculation (7.2%), decreased ejaculatory volume (0.9% to 2.8%), abnormal sexual function (2.5%) (um not sure what that is but it sounds bad), gynecomastia (2.2%) (WTF- that's the medical term for a man growing boobs), erectile dysfunction (1.3%), ejaculation disorder (1.2%) and testicular pain. Resolution occurred in men who discontinued therapy with finasteride due to these side effects and in most of those who continued therapy.

In December 2008, the Swedish Medical Products agency concluded a safety investigation of Propecia and subsequently advised that the use of Propecia may result in irreversible sexual dysfunction. The Agency's updated safety information lists difficulty in obtaining an erection that persists indefinitely, even after the discontinuation of Propecia, as a possible side effect of the drug.

The UK's Medical and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) say that erectile dysfuction that persists once use of Propecia has stopped has been reported to them."

Clutch the pearls that's awful.

Ironically guys bought this crap to grow a luscious, woman pleasing mane of youthful hair.

The moral of the story is always to be curious about the medication you are taking and if you experience anything weird from them look it up. Side effects can kick in even years after you start a medication. Don't just plow ahead and start taking medication without thinking or researching it yourself first unless you are finding yourself regaining consciousness in an Emergency Room, or you are being offered Morphine. Always take the Morphine, it totally rocks. As an aside Heroin was actually invented to try and get people weaned off of Morphine, I shit you not.

 Don't stop taking your medication without medical advice though, always start / stop / change medication with medical supervision. You can't sue a doctor for screwing up if you did it all yourself. Likewise go to a dentist if you need a tooth pulled and stop doing that brick plus a piece of string nonsense to upload to Youtube. (Yes dumbass the tooth comes out but what's your plan for nerve damage and infection?)

Speaking of Youtube... here's Dr. John Crisler, DO speaking out at a recent medical symposium on the dangers of Finasteride, it's dangerous effects on the endocrine system and possibility of permanent side effects.

So just enjoy the Solar Panel For A Sex Machine. Just trim it close and stand confident. Chicks dig it.

Breaking Down The Sexually Shy Wife

Mostly my focus here is on the assumption that the wife in the relationship has a normal sex drive. Once the the husband returns to showing a sexy profile and behavior, her normal sex drive for him kicks back in and the sex starts happening again. That's an easy fix. You can get that turned around in a couple of months no problem.

However I'm pretty much assuming that readers have the common sense to rule out potential medical issues. There's little hope of getting more sex from her from gaming her if her hormones are all out of whack for example. If the low sex issue stems from ovarian cancer for example... I think I see the problem. You have to go rule out medical issues first.

The other area I haven't covered is the wife having a normal sexual desire, but a blockage in her related to anxiety, fear, lack of sex education, trauma, nervousness etc. Simply dialing up the Alpha isn't going to make a "Shy Wife" become more sexual with you, in fact it may become too stimulating and simply drive her deeper into her anxiety. Ironically the behavior that can unpick her locks is actually adding in Beta comfort building. The comfort building decreases her anxiety and she can fully relax enough to enjoy everything.

Here's an example... I've had some recent email from a reader with a very anxious skittish wife when it comes to sex. Go read the shower post first if you can't remember it and zip back here.

"Very good stuff. I loved the shower pass post. She locks the door to shower, so I think I'm going to get a stick at the ready to pick the lock...probably in a couple weeks when she's ovulating."

See for a normal wife the playful Alpha invasion of her space in the shower and silly one liners is experienced as enjoyable attention. It turns her on. In fact the gaming of her comes from the way you don't have sex with her. You're teasing her!

But Very Shy Wife has the door locked to the shower. Specifically to keep her husband out. (And yes that is worrisome in and of itself that she is that wound up, but no "leave the bitch" comments please it doesn't actually help towards a solution.)  So if he pops the lock and marches into the bathroom with a hard on, she will probably experience this the same way a normal wife would experience a SWAT team entering the bathroom. She's going to scream in terror, try and cover herself with a hand bra, plus likely fall over and cry.

Not as hawt as intended.

The proper approach is to let her know the overall plan. Yes this takes away the element of surprise, but that's the point. Then you break down the process into a number of smaller steps. The first change would be to have her shower with the door simply unlocked. That's it. Maybe do that for a week or so. Then the next step is to have him come into the bathroom while she showers. Have a conversation in there, he can brush his teeth or something. Maybe a week of that. Then the next step is opening the shower door while he's in there, a week of that. Then he can get in with her and wash her back.

Is this long and tedious? It sure is. But it also might work a lot better than popping the lock and rocking the cock at her. It does take a slow steady pressure to continue to advance through the steps though. Each level comes with a discomfort that needs to be politely presented and passed through. The Alpha doesn't let her off the hook of development, the Beta praises and soothes. You must have both tools in the toolbox.

As each step is made there's praise and positive attention. As long as progress is being made in the direction you want, you just stick with the process. You're not going to go from Very Shy Wife to Trained Slutty Wife in a single day, or a week, or maybe even a year. But you can make constant progress towards that goal. It's all vastly easier with her consent to have her limits purposely pushed, but you can make progress with rewarding the behavior you wish to see anyway, it's just slower.

Back in the beginning Jennifer was extremely shy and from her upbringing was basically sexually naive. If you give a girl an orgasm when she doesn't know what an orgasm even is, that's about the best Display of High Value possible. I remember that much of the first month of sex she lay there stiff as a board and soundless. I considered adding a strobe light to the bedroom to make it look like she was moving.

We've always had a lot of sex, but early on it was fairly bad sex compared to now, though I was just so excited to be getting laid I thought it was awesome. But each time got a little better. And I gently pushed back her boundaries, I didn't force her, just wore her down with expressions of enjoyment, pleasure for her, praise and thanking. It did take a while and we are still learning things together even now. Now she relishes doing things that once made her nervous. Now she's positively slutty with me in the manner of my choosing. What's not to love about that. (Though she does remain leery of the thing with the jumper cables and the butter.)

There was an understanding between us that we were going to push her boundaries together. She was comfortable in her discomfort. I didn't yell, hit, threaten to leave, pout etc. Just a slow steady push to move in the direction of more sexy. There's a world of difference between "suck it or get out" and "kissing me there is nice, lick me a little". The Tortoise beats the Hare in the story you know.

It's an old joke between us that I've corrupted her and am "a very bad man". I always say that's why she likes me so much. She always nuzzles into me after I say that. She's actually thankful I've made her like some of this stuff.

Dealing With Wifely Indecision And Failing To Please Her

From Sex With The Wife

"It is no end of frustration for a husband to have a wife who does not know what she wants. As a man you are left guessing. Advocates of the 'alpha male' philosophy will say that this woman wants to be told what she wants, and will enjoy having these decisions made for her, and that may work for some women. My wife tends to react defensively when she is told what to do. Instead, she is left frustrated at her inability to decide and at the same time her inability to accept the decisions of others."

I think this misunderstands the alpha approach slightly. It's not so much that you tell her what she wants, but that you say what you want and give her the option of either complying with that or missing out on something enjoyable.

The whole indecision thing and not knowing what she wants is just a tool to frustrate you and have her remain in control in the relationship. Plus its an all purpose play for attention.

If you stop feeding in to these things where she just spirals in her little indecision psychodrama and just say "well you don't even know what you want so there's no point me trying to make you happy because either way you'll decide I'll be wrong, so I'm just going to make myself happy and I want X" and then you go do X. She will likely have a little temper tantrum over the loss of control over you. You ignore that little spat completely and do what you want. You will find that she finds you more attractive in the aftermath of that interaction.

In a similar vein of thought... Alkibiades from Seasons of Tumult and Discord.

"As such my father believes deeply that it is the man’s responsibility to provide for his wife and to ‘keep her happy.’ Only by doing so can a man be truly happy.

My father trotted this pretty lie out once again over the weekend. I laughed when I heard it for the countless time. I deadpanned back to him that keeping a woman happy is impossible. She will be happy if she chooses to be such, or she will be unhappy and make her significant other miserable if she chooses. The problem is we’ve created a whole generation of men and women with unrealistic expectations. When the impossibility of meeting those expectations is confronted, they tend to get angry and look for someone to blame. Often it is the man who is blamed. It is the man who is confronted almost daily and told constantly that the failure is his and his alone. Too many men still accept the blame."

Basically if you live your life with your happiness dependant on someone else's happiness, you are nothing but a slave to the shifts in their mood. And if that's the case you better hope that Cleopatra is in the mood for sex.

Reader Story: Updating Sex Life After Serious Injury

Make here caption!

A reader email updating the earlier post.

Hey man, I figured you might want to hear some progress from one of your apprentices. If you will recall from our previous email exchange I was still in the early stages of implementing some of your strategies ,with good success.

Since our email exchange I have managed to surpass my wife's sex rank for the first time in our relationship. We were teens when we first met, and she was a solid 9 and I was an easy 8 (using our fellow students as the yardstick). Both of our ranks have changed over the years, not coincidentally these changes have taken place during her three pregnancies. I have a tendency to gain pregnancy pounds along with her! During the last few years she has settled down to a 6.5 or so, her skin is still wonderful and face still beautiful, but she has kept on about 30 lbs. of baby weight. I had slid down to a 4 or so during the worst part of my bout with chronic pain, but worked my way back to a 6 in the last couple of years.

Since I have been feeling better I have been hitting the weights and cardio as hard as my back will allow, and I have managed to get the vast majority of my muscle mass back while losing over 8" on my waist. Just on looks alone I am closing in on my old 8 sex rank, and if we use the men my age and in my community I am definitely an 8.5. I cannot go anywhere without garnering the attention of other women, and have even been complimented by all of the women who are a part of my wife's life. My wife's best friend, who graduated in my senior class, recently told me that I look just like I did in high school.

As you know this on its own can be enough to affect the dynamics within a marriage, but I am not just utilizing this aspect of LTR game. I am also being alpha a good 65% of the time. No longer do I ask for sex, just to be left wanting. Now all I have to do is insinuate that I am in the mood (typically by some flirting or the 10 second kiss, but sometimes I just say "lets have sex ") and we are getting down in no time flat. Since the kids have been out of school we have been averaging 4-5 times weekly (if you will recall before discovering your blog we were a once a week, twice a week if I was lucky). I also leave no doubt in her mind who the captain of our family is, but I also make her feel important by getting her input on things that effect our family.

That is not to say that I don't try and balance the Beta. Primarily my beta behavior is still how much time I spend nurturing our children, but I will occasionally help out in the house by picking up laundry or cooking from time to time. She recently had a surgery, and I have taken on all of her responsibilities, and she appreciates it immensely ( she actually seems to feel a bit guilty about it).

Unfortunately my old nature has reared its ugly head a bit, and I spend way too much time thinking about having sex with women other than my wife, but I will not act on these thoughts. I intentionally avoid overtly flirting with women, and making anything more than small talk. I have not worked so hard to make my marriage great to blow it for strange ass. Paul would say that this is a battle with my flesh, and I tend to agree. Besides I would much rather this problem, than having to worry about my wife stepping out on me.

Thanks again for your blog, I am still a reader, and will continue to do so for as long as you keep writing. Speaking of, make sure to write that book, you have a lot to offer. I will be looking forward to my autographed copy!

Regular guy. Simple plan properly executed. Pure win.

Interest In Cuckolding Is A Display Of Low Value

Please enjoy the bunnies in the cups

A reader question...

Your post today was very interesting. I do not watch a lot of porn, but I do read quite a bit. Mostly I do this at Literotica.com.

A significant minority of the stories there are in the 'cuckold' vein. Husbands wanting to watch their wife have sex with another man, cheating wives, husbands forced to watch their wives having sex with another man. I find these stories excite me also and that bothers me because I wouldn't want that to happen in real life. I kind of think of it like a woman who has a 'rape' fantasy; they wouldn't want that to happen in real life either.

Still, I wonder if it is unhealthy, and if so, if there is something I can do about it or if I am just doomed to be a Beta male

This is a large topic in and of itself. Basically the turn on is quite real and stems from the sperm competition dynamic. So you are biologically programmed on some level to sexually respond to this fantasy. So it's "normal".

The problem comes from the endless repeating of the cuckold scenario and what starts as a biological drive to defend against someone impregnating your wife starts turning into a psychological imprinting as you build up a taste for it. Human sexuality is quite trainable. If for example you read erotica and porn where someone blew up a balloon and popped it as part of the story, the first time would probably do nothing to you, but after hundreds of viewings you would probably start finding balloons and popping balloons an increasing turn on. Eventually you couldn't become turned on without the balloons available.

The solution is simply to stop repeating the stimulation and find a different sexual outlet.

In terms of having a wife and actual relationship where you start moving into a cuckold lifestyle, it usually ends one of two ways. Either she stops doing it and life continues on... and quite likely worse for the wear. Or she just leaves her husband for someone with a higher sex rank. It's fairly random too, she could bang five different guys and it's all just exciting fun for her and she bounces home to hubby all happy... then number six just floats her boat and it's the writing on the wall for hubby. If you're a 6 with a 7 wife encouraging her to have sex with a 9 is just a recipe for instant disaster.

I'm sure you get that cuckolding is possibly the worst of all Beta behaviors. Asking your wife to sleep with another man is a Display of Low Value. My suggestion is to fight it off as best you can and retrain yourself to enjoy other sexuality expressions. I do get that it is much easier to say than do.

I did love reading Penthouse Letters for many years so understand the basic concept and appeal. Since stopping I've more easily upped my Alpha traits and Jennifer responds to me much better.

It's not as hopeless as you think it might be. At least not as hopeless as trying to find an image that fits the post topic but doesn't have a XXX rating. Hence the bunnies in the cups.

Constantly Whacking Off To Porn Isn't An Alpha Male Skill....

Imagine for a moment you find yourself watching a highly attractive woman. Not only that but she is hot to trot. She's dressed in a way that leaves her intentions explicitly clear. She's throwing off indications of interest everywhere. Lots of make up, slutty heels and an obvious thong. There's no question she's simply lining up a winner to fuck her senseless.

When it happens, it happens quickly. Suddenly there's this guy and he's just on her and she's open mouthed in raw desire. He just starts stripping her clothes off and pulls her head down to his cock and she obediently sucks it in and bobs her head on it.

All this happens right in front of you.

Then he pulls her over to the couch and sits on it and she climbs on top of him. With him deep inside her, she leans forward and brushes her left breast across his hungry mouth and arches her back and moans. She sits straighter and starts bouncing in a steady rhythm on his cock. Then she flips her long hair and turns and looks back. She gazes straight into you eyes and holds it for a languishing moment but never stops bucking on him.

They mix up positions for a while before he pins her down hard on the couch and finishes inside her. He leaves her on the couch spread open, slick with readiness and hungry for a second helping. Excited beyond belief from your own hand and everything you have seen you know you will only last a few moments inside her, but you must finish somehow.

And as she fades to black your cum fires in pulsing arcs into empty air.

Now obviously what I've just described is a pretty vanilla porn scene (actually it was much longer and more graphic but Jennifer cut the good bits out sorry). I purposely wrote it to confuse the reader a little as to whether they were reading about a guy watching porn, or whether an actual scene was playing out right in front of him. The point is, on some deep level your own brain is fooled by porn into thinking that you are really seeing something happening right in front of you. That's why you get turned on.

It's the same thing as when I talk to my parents in New Zealand on Skype. It's like my parents are "really there" as far as my brain can tell. I have emotional reactions to seeing my parents in a video call. Logically I know that they are in fact 10,000 miles away, but there is something so much stronger about seeing them on video rather than simply hearing them on the phone.

So coming to the point... and there is one...

When you watch porn by yourself, on some subtle level you experience it as a failure to be selected for sex. Sex is happening "right in front of you" by a attractive available female, but she doesn't choose you to have sex with. She does it with her co-star. So on a subtle level you lose. He's the Alpha, you're the Beta pumping your own cock.

The Time Before Writing programmed back up plan for situations like this is pretty simple. You beat him with a pointed stick before he gets his sperm into her. However, this is on TV and you can't actually hit him. So he wins Alpha by default and you get the Beta status by default as well.

The next best Time Before Writing plan is also pretty simple. As soon as humanly possible after another male dumps his sperm inside your female, you have sex with her hard and fast yourself. The human penis actually works like a suction device when it moves in and out of a vagina and will in fact suck semen out of the vagina. The sooner you do it the better chances you have of your sperm reaching her eggs. Except she's not really there, so again you can't make a play for the female.

Now bear in mind that I do get on a logical rational level that we know we're just watching a movie. However on a non rational level our body responds as it's been programmed to respond to an attractive available female. And on that non rational level, it's like you get slapped down hard as a weak Beta Male.

Watching some porn is fine. It's like having a drink once in a while. No biggie, relax, enjoy it. Porn like alcohol is only a problem, when it becomes a problem. But if you get into a constant cycle of porn as one of your main sexual outlets, I think that can start to add up in influencing your mindset more heavily into a far less Alpha and increasingly Beta (or even Omega) Male mindset and social expectation. After watching someone else bang the girl a few hundred times, what does that do to your ability to frame things effectively?

Porn can also work as the crutch propping up your end of a sexless or low sex marriage. At some point if you're going to move on and fix the problem between you and your wife, you're going to have to kick the crutch out from under you and learn to stand on your own two feet again. If you're always whacking off to porn, you'll never have the motivation to rock her world, nor the ability anyway if you're drained and limp.

Not to mention the legion of women that complain their husband won't have sex with them because he's hooked on porn and always scurrying off to the den at 1am for Barely Legal Asian Anal Cum Dumpsters In The Hood Booty VII. (Scene three rocks!)

I'm not saying never watch it. I'm not saying that it is immoral, though I understand that some readers will think that it is. For some low sex desire people porn is a great aid at triggering increased arousal and general sexual interest even. I'm just asking how is it working out for you? Is it increasing your sexiness and attractiveness, or is it subtly sapping it?

Further Reading from Psychology Today  Was The Cowardly Lion Just Masturbating Too Much?   Hat Tip EntropyPUA

Also I think watching porn with a partner is different than watching alone. You do get a little more worked up, but you also get to work it out on someone as well. And lets face it, with a partner is generally all round better than masturbation anyway.

Like I said, I'm not telling you what to do on this one. I'm just asking the question, how is it working for you?

Smothered Girlfriend Changes Her Tune In Just Three Days

If you remember the reader a few days back seeking help in the post She's Getting Bored, He's Starting To Get Clingy, here's his follow up email to me...

"Wow. your advice is solid gold. Today I sent her a text:

I am going to Club Indigo. Care to join me?

She said yes. I invited her to sleep here.

I am cutting all the phone conversations just a little short, being less available. She keeps telling me she misses me, and do I need to get laid?

Seriously, man, this is probably the only relationship advice I have ever got that made 100% sense. You should write a book!"

Boo-yah! Glad it's working out so well, keep it up. For the most part much of what I talk about doesn't even have to make sense before you try it. A lot of it is so small that you can simply test drive it and see how it works. Understanding can come later. Just go test it.

And yes I'm finally kicking into book writing mode. It's a hard process and I've been putting it off for a little too long.

Make Sexy Time, It's Very Nice.

The transition from the living room into the bedroom at bedtime is a key moment in the day. You should own that moment and frame yourself as dominant. I have several moves I use here and I mix them up from night to night.

The easiest one is simply to announce it's bedtime. We typically go to bed around 11pm so I have a clever technique of looking at a clock and noticing that it's 11pm and then stating it's bedtime. There's hardly a hint of overt dominance with this one, but being the one that is announcing bedtime for both of us frames me as dominant in the relationship.

Adding a stronger twist of dominance is the old "use the married name" thing. So I address her as "Mrs Kay". So that is a stronger frame in that it implies in a direct sense that she has marital duties to perform. Yet it's formal enough that it can be used at family gatherings for exactly the same purpose.

The deep kiss routine followed by extended hand as a compliance test. Basically you just hold your hand out to her until she takes it. Then you lead her to the bedroom.

Just text her a booty call. Even sitting in the same room it's funny.

Go over confidently goofy. "11 o'clock is the make sexy time. Very nice!"

If she walks in front of you lightly spank her butt.

"Cum to bed baby."  (Think Austin Powers inflection here)

Tell her to go put something on from the lingerie department.

Just announce the way sex is going to happen. "Here's my plan. First I'm going to finger fuck you to an orgasm, then you're going to be reverse cowgirl on me for about five minutes, then I'm putting you on your back and finishing on top hard and rough".

And read Jedi Mind Pricks if you haven't already.

Alpha + Beta = Gina Tingle (Plus A Happy Reader)

This is an odd little factoid I'm going to use to brag that I'm on the right track with this whole Alpha + Beta = Gina Tingle shitck that I'm peddling. Take a look at the upper right piece of this image from Alexa.

That's right... my male orientated blog is pulling female readers. I've probably got more female readership than male readership. Women like what I'm talking about, so go put some of this into action. It works.

Another happy reader... (original comment is here).

Athol, I have to thank you. Since I have been reading and applying game related knowledge in my marriage, fights are down, sex is up, and everyone is happier. I was the natural alpha during the dating phase, but the natural beta once married and we started having kids. Reinserting the alpha techniques was counter intuitive based on how I was raised and what women claim to want, including my wife, but revealed preference is greater than stated preference.

Regards, Pol

Seriously, go try this stuff. You've got nothing to lose.

Reader Comments And Being On The Right Track

Reader comment from I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You  Basically he recaps everything I've been saying on this blog from the beginning...

"I got the ILYBINILWY last summer. It was after a huge fight where I heard the words "I want a divorce" Wow. We stayed together, but emotionally distantly - 20 years is a lot to give up on. It's the same sad story - the more I pressed to fix the mess the worse it got. I searched everywhere to find an explanation for what had happened. I am a great provider making nearly $200K, but obviously this was not enough. To my surprise I started to realize my situation was similar to other couples my age and social circle. What was happening to the 40something women? They've got the big house, nice cars, etc, but they bitch bitch about their husbands. Only when I discovered "game" did the light come on; I was the problem. Now after a year of re-programing my brain the marriage is back stronger than ever. I too use a version of "Marriage game" that balances Alpha and Beta traits, but I must say when they are ready to walk Alpha game is required; flirt with every girl in town - especially when the wife is watching, tell her to get the hell out if she's not happy (and mean it), get in the best shape of your life, seduce her best friends (no affairs though), etc.

Of course when you do these things your social status shoots up to the sky and all the girl friends take notice. Needless to say "The test" is an ongoing test. Then I find your blog and find you've mirrored my experiences exactly. Who would have thought?"

Masterfully done. I'd love to claim credit for your success but you figured it out yourself. I'm just taking it as a great example of how it's possible to get it done and that the basic framework I'm suggesting is correct.

Great job.

She's Getting Bored, He's Starting To Cling

Hey Athol, I am not married, but I am in a LTR.

Anyway, the sex has decreased in the past two months. We have been together about eight. About two months ago was the first anniversary of her father's death. Her cat died, and she left her abusive boyfriend right before her dad died. So, I know this factor has a lot to do with it, but, I don't know what else.

The death of her father might be weighing on her mind and throwing things off, but no way to be sure of that. The prior abusive boyfriend would seem to flag that she likes excitement and drama, just not as much as he was bringing to the table.

She says I am being too needy. But, I am only expecting to have sex as often as we used to. Now, it's once or twice a week. She isn't very attracted to me anymore, focusing on my physical flaws: moles, hairs, warts.. whatever. She used to talk about how she like my eyes, my cock, my stomach. Simultaneously, she doesn't feel very sexy, anymore and I don't know why. She is obsessed with working out. She has a very hot body, but always complains about her body, and says she's fat. (Not at all.) I know she wants sex when she feels sexy, and doesn't want sex when she doesn't feel sexy.

She is decreasing in her interest in you. Her "feeling less sexy" is just feeling less sexually interested in you. Her calling you "needy" means in plain english that she finds you more interested in her than she is interested in you to the point it's becoming an actual turn off in and of itself. It's a DLV (Display of Low Value).

Another thing she said was I am at her house all the time (as a reason why we have sex less) So I asked her if we moved in together, would the sex decrease? She had no answer.

You're at her house a lot and this annoys her. When you pose a solution of moving in together, this is you expressing even higher interest in her just as she's trying to get you to give her more space.

I guess she is around a 9 or 10, and I am around an 8 or 9, so I need to work out more, get bigger which is really hard for me, even though I am in really good shape.

You saying she's a 9-10 while you are 8-9 is another indication that you are acting like the weaker partner in the relationship. Actually the "bigger is better" thought for working out is good only so far. If you have a good overall body shape that's better than sheer bulk for female sexual interest.

She seems to try to make me jealous a lot more recently. Maybe she wants me to do it, and I haven't realized it. Every time after she gets jealous, we have good sex. I think she wants to see me being attractive to other women.

She reacts positively to you being generally attractive and making her jealous. Most likely because it is triggering her need for high stimulation.

Anyway, thanks for the blog, bro. A lot of good stuff in there.

Most welcome.  Now some adjustments to your approach...

She likes drama and jealousy, or put another way, she likes high stimulation. So stop reacting to her so much and start just doing shit to pull her attention on to you. Don't ask her to do stuff, simply announce something interesting that you're going to do and expect her to follow you. Make her react to you or she just misses out on whatever fun it was.

Stop hanging out in her apartment sniffing the air for sex. Get her over to your place a lot more, then follow the rule that she needs to either go back to her place or put out and stay the night by some sort of reasonable hour.

Complaints about her body if she is in good shape are best addressed by threats of spanking her. "There's nothing wrong with you, you're just being a brat and brats only learn by spanking". Remember cocky, funny, light, playful with this sort of thing.

Get over the idea that she is better than you. She's not. Old abusive boyfriend, father passed away. You really think she doesn't crave a strong male figure in her life? I mean really crave it.

Why not you? You can do this.

Dominance And Submission... At Work

I've gotten a little meaner at work in recent years. Basically I try and be nice to folks but it doesn't work if you're only nice. On the other hand if you're always mean, people start hating you and avoiding you, or worse set you up for a fall. You gotta mix up the nice and the mean a little.

All the chain of command is in essence is a long chain of social dominance and submission. You just play the role of your part in the chain.

I use a lot of email, so my nice / mean defaults to this handy little policy to deal with stuff that needs to get done as a performance issue, or me getting paid / job description issues. Brainstorming, announcements etc don't really apply to this model.

To someone ranking below me.

1st message is generally nice in tone, but still direct.

Failed to respond to first request gets original email forwarded to them and copied to their supervisor. Repeat of request without the nice tone.

Should they fail to respond to that, I simply contact their supervisor. It's not my actual job to get them to do their job. (Anyone directly reporting to me at a 3rd contact simply gets written up and I ensure the task completion.)

To peer rank.

1st message is nice in tone plus direct.

Failure to respond original email forwarded to them, and/or a call to find out what is going on.

If a third contact is needed it's by email and a copy goes to my supervisor.

A fourth contact is to them, my supervisor (and their supervisor if we don't share one). Usually by this point I can't compete my task at all without the assistance and I state that if it is true and move on to a different task until the problem is fixed.

To someone ranking above me.

1st message is typically short and direct. Minimize time wasting.

If something was going to be done / promised and is taking a long time, I prompt later and offer assistance towards completion if I can.

Rarely do I reject an answer, but in those rare times that I go a layer up the chain of command above my supervisor, I tell them that I am particularly serious on an issue and request their permission to go above them. This seems weak, but they almost always agree to it or grant my original request anyway. If they don't, well that becomes one for the shit hits the fan archives. Too many of these events and the relationship between us is starting to break down anyway. I start contingency planning.

As an aside, "sensitive issues" are always attempted to be dealt with verbally and/or in person as quickly as possible. Failing that I just bite the bullet and it's a paper trail as usual. Even if I look bad.

So basically you start pleasant, but aren't afraid to use authority either. It's amazing how nice everyone is after you start sticking to this policy. You have to stick with it though.

Don't Bump Back On Your Wife For Someone Else's Shit Test

"It appears in your anger Lord Vader you killed her."

It can take a lot longer to build something up than it takes to tear it down. At some point in the process of balancing out your Alpha and Beta traits and generally becoming a little more sexy and triggering her attraction better, you're going to have a really shitty day at work.

How you transition from work to home on these days can make all the difference.

Talking about your day is all well and good, but for the most part your work aggro needs to be dealt with at work and not spill over into home. If you come home with a head of steam and tear your wife's head off over a minor home issue, you can undo months of progression. Wives do not get gina tingles for being side swiped verbally over someone elses shit. They simply think you're a jerk at best and a scary menace at worst. You lose points. The worse you are the more you lose.

Likewise if home is rough, you don't go into work and start ranting like a bull that got pepper sprayed on it's asshole. HR is usually not amused by that. Especially if your defense was that you only shook them a bit and never actually hit them.

Personally the method both Jennifer and I use with each other is to simply tell each other that we are having a bad day in advance of making further demands on each other. We're both accommodating of each other on these days.

Anyway, I have to cut this post short. The air conditioners have been running all day with an open window in the girls bathroom and their sink is completely clogged. Been slowly clogging for weeks apparently...

Edit:  Fish Tank Rocks 34    Bathroom Sink 0      Home Frakking Depot here we come....