How To Get Your Wife To Wear Lingerie

Back in the day I had a problem with my darling wife. When ever I'd go buy some sort of lingerie item as a gift for her, she would always semi-grimace at it as she opened it up. Then later there would be some sort of modeling of the lingerie where she would looking uncomfortable but compliant and just wanting the ordeal over. It's the same face I've seen patients make when you give them an enema. Um.. not hawt sweetheart, my bad. After that there would be sex, and then after that lingerie would be removed and stashed into a special drawer I came to think of as The Lingerie Vault.

Things go into The Lingerie Vault. Nothing comes out. It's the Bermuda Triangle of silk.

So basically any lingerie purchase was a one time event. Suffice to say, I learned to stop buying her the stuff. Oh I'd try once every other year or so, but get that same self conscious face and indifferent response and another piece of silk slipped into The Lingerie Vault forever.

Now as I said yesterday, usually you just model the sexiness you seek from your partner and they usually follow along. Suffice to say I did not clomp around in dangerously sexy heels and a lace up teddy. Here's what I did do.

I started paying better attention to her actual daily underwear. Both in terms of quality, does she need something replaced, trips to malls to buy new stuff, and in terms of playfully snooping into what she's wearing today. Plus when things go through the laundry the bras and panties don't just get tossed into the dryer, she's got a special drying place for those, so I also ensure their safe transport to the designated drying location. Good bras are expensive and they lift up the goods the way I like. Respect. The whole point of this is that she gets more used to your attention surrounding underwear.

I started shopping online rather than going to a store for the more lingerie based items. The trick is to include her into the shopping experience. I might sort through half the store for stuff and bookmark 6-8 items. She might like a couple of them. If we then buy them together, she's far more likely to wear them and more often.

I also look for slightly more racy items that can be used for everyday wear that are comfortable.... that are on sale. This is a patience game, but as an example Jennifer has some Playboy boy short panties that she loves and wears often. Plus they look good on her. They were like $10 for three on a closeout sale. It's like fish in a barrel at those prices, she can't say no lol. After that... well we've shopped at the Playboy store... what about this, or this or that?

Another thing about lingerie is that you have to honestly accept the state of her body. Some things work better than others. Get her input before you click "buy". Most lingerie models have exceptional bodies and are photoshopped to heaven, so usually there's a good percentage of a store's offerings that basically has no basis in sales reality. That stuff is just for the catalog to give men something to masturbate to in the bathroom at your wife's aunts house during Thanksgiving dinner if you are a lonely broken man..

Importantly, when she does wear lingerie to bed, you have to make it a good sexual experience for her. This is the night when you do it all a little harder, faster, rougher. You make sure she comes, ideally until she waves off having any more orgasms. You want to create the connection between her wearing lingerie and her getting sexed up right. You want a repeat customer.

Now if she ever comes on to you wearing lingerie... as in you're playing computer games or whatever, and say she unprompted emerges from the bedroom wearing something fancy and says "hi".... you absolutely MUST have sex with her and work her over good. This is basically the entire fucking point of the exercise, do not undo the whole thing and recharge The Lingerie Vault mandate forever.

Now this is the other critical point... When you are having lingerie night sex together at some point in the proceedings take the lingerie off her. Maybe not all of it, but some of it at least. The message here is that you are turned on by her, rather than fixated on the lingerie itself. So if she's wearing say a cami and thigh high stockings and is doing the cowgirl on top of you, it's easy to tell her to take the cami off and continue on that way after going to town on sucking her breasts. The stockings probably stay on unless she's some sort of circus performer.

The idea is that you just get into a pattern of creating a positive sexual mindset related to buying and wearing both more generally sexy underwear and lingerie. It will probably take at least six months to fully alter the pattern from a negative into a positive one, but it can be done. At this point it's more my need and interest than hers, so I tend to ask for lingerie night more than she thinks of it on her own. And by "ask" I mean I usually just text her a request during the night. "I want X and you pick a Y to go with it".

Now having said all that, I do need to add a disclaimer. None of that worked.

... and that's what we call a closing hook people,  I'll continue the story tomorrow, stay tuned.

How To Get Your Wife To Dress More Sexy

I had a reader question a few days back...

"How do you get your wife to dress more sexy?"

Easy. You dress more sexy.

I'll pad out the post with my usual rhetoric about women calibrating themselves to their man, but I think you guys should be getting this by now. My entire approach is based on the idea that the only person in your relationship you can really control is you.

If your wife is a 6, you begging and pleading and demanding that she turn into a 7 is nothing but hot air at best and a Display of Low Value at worst. The solution is that you turn yourself from a 6 to a 7 and she'll probably calibrate herself to a 7 shortly after you.

So you begging and pleading her to dress better is a waste of effort compared to you just pulling your own look together. Trust me on this, no woman wants to be tagging along after her man while he's peacocking some threads and she looks like she's shopping at Goodwill. She's automatically going to up her game to keep pace with him. She knows in the pit of her stomach that if she doesn't step it up, some other woman is going to take notice of the incongruence between the couple and possibly start moving in on her man. Or Mr. Peacock is going to take notice and accidentally just meet someone for completely harmless coffee sometime.

There's usually a bit of a lag between you upping your Sex Rank and her doing the same, but if you keep at it long enough she will likely respond. Women tend to disbelieve their husbands actually improving themselves at first. And like I've said before if you keep upping your Sex Rank and she doesn't respond, you're in a better place to attract someone new into your life.

So anyway, Clothing 101...

Everything should be clean and smell fresh. If it needs to be ironed, make sure it's ironed. If you can afford more expensive clothes go for it and get some nice things. A good quality watch. Your belt color should match your shoe color. Your socks should match the color of your pants. And a tie is a big colorful arrow pointing towards your cock.

Tomorrow I'll weigh in on getting her to wear lingerie. The lingerie approach is a little different than regular clothing... you can't just out peacock her with that stuff without the Cross Dressing charge being leveled against you. Avoid.

Sexy Move: Neck Kissing For Social Dominance

One of the weak spots on the human body is the neck. If someone has you by the throat it's immediately bad, likewise a blow to the back of your exposed neck is life threatening.

There are dozens of cultures that have some combination of bowing and hats off (think "armored helmets off" as the early variant of what turns into the modern "hats off") from the social inferior to the social superior. It's a social submission signal to expose physical weakness.

Likewise in the animal kingdom there are readily observable submission signals where the weaker literally bows their head to the stronger. The message is clear "ok I get it, you're in charge here and I'm better off aligning myself to you rather than trying to compete with you". Humans are much the same, in a stand off building towards a potential fist fight between two guys, the first guy that drops his head to the other loses the stand off. The social signal of submission avoids the physical fight happening.

Likewise it is a dominance signal to touch someone else's neck. Touching the front of the neck is of course extremely hostile and social status and potential legal pitfalls tend to be ignored in favor of establishing an airway by any means necessary. I'm more talking about touching the back of the neck. Anyone that touches the back of your neck is announcing very clearly that they are expecting your submission.

So...

Ever noticed how much women like their necks kissed? Especially that sneak up behind them and wrap your arms around them and gently nuzzle on their neck. Bonus points for doing this when you kind of trap them up against the kitchen counter when they are making you a sandwich.

The other move is a very light hold on the back of the neck when you are kissing or making love. Note I said "very light hold" and not "crush her windpipe" or "shake her by the neck like a rag doll". It's just a social signal that implies physical dominance, the entire point is that you don't actually have to prove that physical dominance by a physical confrontation.

So anyway... neck kissing... maybe some ladies out there just discovered they are more wired for submission than they first thought....

I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You = Another Guy On The Radar

The Dr Helen Fisher summary. All peer reviewed, shoving people in MRIs to look at their brains, lab tests for hormone levels yada yada yada.

In love = Dopamine based excitement / OCD like mental obession on person of desire. (This is why SSRIs can kill off romance and interest in sex btw)    The addition of Game understanding is that Alpha Traits compliment this process.

Pair Bond = Oxytocin / Vasopressin based emotional bonding and closeness.  The addition of Game understanding is the Beta Traits compliment this process.

Sexual Drive = Testosterone based all purpose generic horniness towards the opposite sex. Physical fitness compliments this process.

The thing is women don’t just leave a man they have a pair bond with because he’s not alpha enough. The leave him because another man enters the picture and they have “in love” feelings for him and they get the Dopamine OCD thing happening about the new guy.

When a woman tells a man ILYBINILWY (I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You) that means 9 times out of 10 there is a guy she is in love with that has entered the picture. ILYBINILWY is female code for some combination of "I'm leaving you for him", "I'm thinking about having sex with him", "I'm having sex with him but I want to live with you still is that ok?", "I think I might be pregnant and don't know whose baby it is".

A woman can have minimal “in love” feelings the husband she is pair bonded to and just coast along for YEARS with no apparent cause for concern. I know of marriages where the wife clearly routinely craps all over her Beta husband and has done so for years and years but the marriage continues on unabated anyway. It is of course quite easy to be faithful if no one else wants to have sex with you.

But once a new man enters the picture that flips her Dopamine on, things can unravel between a wife and her overly beta husband very quickly. The OCD like effects of the Dopamine response can overwhelm the strength of the pair bond. The woman gets torn between the two men she is chemically drawn too. It's not an easy emotional state to survive in for long. ILYBINILWY is also female code for some combination of "I have no clue how to make this decision", "are you going to fight for me?"

As a final thought and adjustment to some of the bulk of this post. There is a growing sense of entitlement in women that their marriage relationship will be magically "in love" forever. Older women tend to not expect this so much and generally just stick with a boring beta husband unless someone actively starts trying to game them and hooks them. Younger women feel far more entitled to this though, and they may simply begin to actively search for someone that excites them without a specific event.

Plus for my female readers, the core of this post "in love" vs pair bond works exactly the same way for men too. Be advised to show cleavage and leave no question in his mind that you're good in the sack. At the heart of things, this is what men want from marriage and how they experience love and pair bond to you. The rest is just details.

Ex-Boyfriends and Sex Rank

Reader question...

"I'm a big fan of your site. I just discovered it a month ago, but I've already read about half of the archives. Well written.

I have a small quibble with your sex rank explanation, though. My marriage recently ended because in my wife's eyes, my sex rank plunged. (It had definitely fallen. I'd say I dropped 1-2 points. She'd tell you I dropped 3-4 points.) And you nailed it with "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

The problem with your theory is this: my ex-wife's sex rank plunged as well. Granted, she left me for an ex-boyfriend -- but she had left the same ex-boyfriend before. But when she left, she was 15 pounds heavier (5'3" frame), hated her job, and was generally anti-social and un-fun.

So my question is this: does the sex rank theory require some calibrating, or is there already a sex rank addendum to explain what happened to me?

PS - it is possible that my sex rank really did plunge on a subjective basis. I didn't gain weight like she did, and I have a high-paying job. But my betatude was off the charts. Hmm."

Well Sex Rank is by and large best viewed as a metaphor, so it's hard to nail down exactly what a 6 is vs a 7 for example. I mean I could possibly come up with a chart and points for everything to map out what exactly makes up every level of Sex Rank, but then we'd all just get into a big fight about the chart disagreeing over the fine points. Some people find different things sexier than others. Anyway there's a few points that might help.

Firstly female Sex Rank seems to be fairly fluid compared to male Sex Rank. Guys tend to have a particular number and then have to work extremely hard or totally slack off to change their number. For example a guy might go from a 7 to an 9 by becoming a doctor, a woman might do the same simply by wearing better make up and a tight dress often. Simple tricks like that for women sounds unfair in comparison to effort a man has to make, but the downside is that so much is dependant on physical appearance for a woman.

Likewise women's sexual activity can increase or decrease based on their attraction to a male. So the same woman "with a low sex drive" with her low Sex Rank husband might suddenly discover "her sex drive just increased somehow" if George Clooney started asking to screw her. A woman with low sexual interest loses Sex Rank, and a woman with a high interest gains Sex Rank.

So some of your wife's drop in Sex Rank might have been just a drop to match some of your decrease in Sex Rank. Women tend to calibrate to their man's Sex Rank.

Secondly, Sex Rank is kind of a competition. If you were a 7 and the ex-boyfriend was a 6, advantage you. If you fall to a 5 and the boyfriend stays a 6, advantage ex-boyfriend. Even if she falls from a 7 to a 5 with you, she probably perks it up a bit with the ex-boyfriend straight back to a 6. I'm not saying it's an automatic packing of her bags as soon as you drop lower than him, it's just an influence on behavior.

Thirdly ex-boyfriends and especially ex-boyfriends that have had sex with your wife, are always going to have a much higher risk of influencing your wife against your interest in her. At some point he managed to trigger her attraction enough to get her seriously interested in him. No matter how badly the relationship ended, he can still probably flip at least some of her switches still.

I obviously don't know all the details in your case, but I can guess there was some sort of ongoing relationship that reignited that you kinda sorta knew about at first that didn't seem so bad, but then it was purposely hidden from you until it was all getting too late to do anything.

Moving to more general advice... ex-boyfriends, specially ones that were at all "alpha / dangerous / bad / edgy" can lodge in a woman's mind forever. And of course men being men, if he's still attempting contact with her... it's because he still wants to see her stripped naked and doing that thing she does.

Though the other thing to watch out for is you obsessing about her ex-boyfriends. That communicates fear and weakness and is a Display of Low Value. High status males don't need to worry about their females wandering off to find someone better. So basically ignore the entire topic unless one shows up on her radar again. Then watch carefully and be mildly annoyingly present as required.... by which I mean cock block.

It's A Trap!

Some fabulous reader mail...

Hello! Be not surprised that I have written to you.

Simply I to search for serious relations and I liked your profile.

I long thought and have decided to write you the letter.

I think that to us will be interesting to communicate and we will find much in common.

I can tell about myself that I formed and sociable the woman. To me of 28 years.

I the lonely woman which search for love.

Very much I hope for your answer to me.

That you could see who to you writes, I send you the photo.

I think that it is pleasant to you. Here my address on which

I can receive your letter ***************@yahoo.com

With impatience I look forward to hearing from you.

Hello good day to you. I am indeed delighted at your letter coming to me this fine morning. I have keep it with me in my thoughts today as I go about my business. I have many cars and boats and things, but getting your letter I realize that I too am lonely. I have a large house but empty without someone to share it with.

You photo was indeed pleasing. You are beautiful and natural, a lost gem no doubt. However I do confess that I am also recieving many similar letter these days as word of my exceptional good fortune has spread.

I have tried a love like this before and been sadly disappointed this last year. I have flying to meet with a beautiful angel like yourself, but she was too shy with me. Naturally I had to return home with diamond ring and heavy heart. But your letter has renewed my vigor!

So here I sit with many photos of dazzling women around me. You are a favorite though!!! I would like to attend to this matter and decide quickly. Please send me many more photo of you so that I may know you are not shy.

Good thoughts of you.

And for the record.... damn that was a nice photo of her... or of someone anyway.

Divorce Is Contagious So Stop It At The Sniffles

Show me a man's friends and I'll show you the man.

Who you hang out with and even the friends of the people you hang out with can have a real effect on you. It's not just a hunch, but there's been some interesting studies recently that have mapped out the socially contagious effects of depression, obesity and divorce.

In plain English, if your friends, or even your friends of friends, are fat, unhappy and divorced, it increases your chances of also becoming fat, unhappy and divorced. And yes there is an element of "like wanting to hang out with like" at work here, but even adjusted for that effect there is still a casual effect at work by the social contagion.

Being most interested in divorce rather than depression or obesity, here's a few quotes;

"Fowler's research on divorce contagion didn't examine whether the decision of parents to break up affects their children's relationships. But his study did analyze the effect of divorce on siblings. People with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more likely to get divorced than people who don't have divorced siblings.

Friends have even more influence than siblings when it comes to divorce, according to Fowler's study. People who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends' marriages were intact, the study said.

The study also revealed a divorced co-worker can increase the likelihood of another employee divorcing by 55 percent compared to an employee who works with non-divorced employees.

Marriage therapist Gerry Lane in Georgia said he agrees divorce can be contagious. He said his clients' friends have triggered their desires for a divorce -- even among previously happily married couples."

 

So to take away.... anytime you or your wife have friends, coworkers or family divorcing, that's also a critical point for your relationship to negotiate safely past. Her best friend divorcing is particularly serious. Same if it's your best friend. I'd take the time to at least have a conversation about "do you think that will happen to us?"

 

The answer to that question being...

 

"Well we have our ups and downs, but  I can't really imagine us divorcing ever. Well... not as long as you keep putting out for me anyway." 

 

And the naughty boy sly smile... always with the smile. Then pull her in and kiss her like I taught you.

 

Do NOT let the idea of divorce roll around in her head unopposed. Deal with that while it is still a small little passing thought or worry rather than letting it go full blown. It seems far too simple a tactic, but sometimes all a man has to do is just gruffly state that he is committed to the marriage and the wife's feathers all settle down.

 

"What are you talking about? We're good together, always have been, always will be. You get like this when we go too long between spankings I think".

 

Anyway, I'm not particularly worried about divorce. If Jennifer wants to downgrade to just being a booty call she can. It just seems like an awfully large effort to have sex with me less.

Fatherhood vs Sexual Selection Failure

It's Father's Day, so obviously I'm meant to dredge up some sort of platitude about fatherhood that makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy about fatherhood.

Nah. Sex Rank and the Body Agenda is too brutal for that.

So lets compare two guys to each other. The first is a "lowly Beta" with not much going for him other than a rather dull 4 wife. He's only ever had sex with her and together they have a couple of funny looking kids. The second is a master of Game and attractive to boot. Sex with approximately 120 women lifetime total. Smart as a whip he dodges marriage and having children. Well save a near miss where a girlfriend got pregnant and he straight up told her to go fuck herself. She aborted the baby in the aftermath.

Well according to the tenets of evolutionary psychology, only one of these guys is any good at sex. That's right, the lowly ugly Beta that has a couple of funny looking kids. Mr.Studly has a score of zero. He's a sexual selection failure. Technically he's an Omega Male based on his results.

Evolutionary psychology doesn't care how many times you have sex. Evolutionary psychology doesn't care how many women you sleep with. Evolutionary psychology doesn't care how good looking the women you sleep with are if they aren't fertile. All that matters is baby making results and then having those babies go on and make more little babies and so on and so on. Sex is not the goal it's simply a means to an end.

So anyway... this whole marriage and fatherhood plodding along thing. It's dull as can be some days no question. There are risks and pitfalls, but if you pay attention and play smart you can vastly increase the odds in your favor. For almost all of us it is the winning strategy for sexual selection.

Plus my wife makes me sandwiches.

The Number One Reason Husbands Don't Get Blowjobs

Let's see, you're doing Alpha stuff, you're doing Beta stuff, she's smiling at you, you're getting more sex and all is well. Well except for that little slightly uncomfortable scuffle thing that happens when you put your hand on the back of her head and try and direct it downwards. There's a pulling back and twisting out thing she does with her head and a "not tonight".

"Not tonight" of course implies that at some future "tonight" a blowjob will indeed be forth coming, but that night doesn't seem to happen. There's no excited "hey tonight" that she spontaneously voices in lip quivering breathless passion.

Let me tell you what the problem likely is....

... you gotta stand closer to the soap.

See you may think you smell just fine, but in the words of Fat Bastard "everybody loves their own aroma". See her vagina doesn't have a sense of smell, so as long as you don't smell terrible all over she can lie back and think about shoe sales for the 2 minutes it takes for you to be done. (Yeah yeah I know, you only need two minutes because you're "so intense".)

But her nose does have a sense of smell and when its nuzzling into your crotch she's going to get a heady whiff of whatever the hell has been happening down there. So two day old underwear with urine stains aren't going to cut it. If you're spent half the day getting hard  over the busty chick in the cubical next to you and there's something approaching a pint of drying pre-cum swill in your pants that's going to be bad too. If you have sweaty balls from either a very hot day, recent exercise or just bizarre genetic defect, that's going to be bad too. Women have sensitive noses, far more sensitive than those of men. Faced with smells like these she's just going to uncontrollably gag as soon as something goes in her mouth. They hate that.

Even if the last person you had sex with was her, if that's not cleaned off with soap and water and is just left el naturale, within 24 hours your cock is going to smell like you have a fetish for barebacking cheap zombie hookers.

So there it is guys. Wash. Your. Cock.

Bro's Before Hoes Equals....

Back in the Time Before Writing relationships and dating were probably nasty, brutal and short. Alpha Male was a status that was defended and debated by spear tip. You probably kept your relationship with a woman as long as you stayed able bodied. To the victor the spoils and females more than likely just submitted to whoever won a male on male fight. You tend not to Fitness Test a male freshly covered in your prior partners blood.

At some point along the way though, the males in a tribe must have figured out that they spent so much time and effort killing or avoiding being killed by each other, that the tribe was actually weakened against outside tribes. So the men of one particular tribe made an agreement with each other. Once a man took a woman, she belonged to him and no other man would try and take her from him. Oh sure there could be intense rivalry to determine who got to have her, but once it was decided, it was decided. And if anyone broke the rules everyone would get spear practice free play on the asshole just to keep their skills up.

The men decided that the relationships between the men, were more important than a woman coming between them. This pact was called Bro's Before Hoes... I mean Patriarchy and Marriage.

This turned out to be such a successful plan that eventually every social group was forced to either adopt Bro's Before Hoes... I mean Patriarchy and Marriage, or get wiped out by another social group that had adopted it. See, if two neighboring tribes both had a 100 males, and one tribe had a fierce internal competition for the women and 50 of those men ended up somehow disabled or killed because of it, that only leaves 50 able bodied men to square off against 100 able bodied men in the Bro's Before Ho's tribe. Plus that meant a whole tribe of extra women to share out.

Let me explain... say the 50 men in the tribe that fought over women were killed by the Bro's Before Hoes group of 100 men, for the loss of say 35, that would leave 65 men from the Bro's Before Hoes tribe still alive. The 100 original women from the Bro's Before Hoes tribe would still be there, plus about about 100 new women from the defeated tribe would be 200 women between 65 men. So that comes to 3 women per man, plus the chief ends up with 8 women because a few were leftover and no one had invented decimals yet. All from a single combat experience. See this is how men got so good at math.

Fast forward to today and yes indeed things are more complicated, I don't see women as chattel or whores by default yada yada yada, but a great deal of civilization rides along on the foundation stones of Bro's Before Hoes... I mean Patriarchy and Marriage. Without this agreement between men - you have to understand that the idea and rule of marriage came into being before women had any say in the matter -  life will eventually return to being nasty, brutal and short. For everyone, but especially men.

It is extremely counter-intuitive, but I've said before that most men do sexually better from monogamy than not. And societies clearly do.

Follow Up: Vasectomy Causing Loss Of Wife's Sexual Interest?

A couple months back I wrote a post where I wondered aloud if there was a link between a man getting a vasectomy and the reduction in sexual interest of his wife.

I still don't have any hard science with numbers to back up this wondering, but there have been a couple of comments on the original post that I find interesting....

Comment One: "I was one of those small percentages that suffers horribly, and I can attest that it does in fact ruin your life. If you had a vasectomy with no ill effects, just count yourself lucky, and move on. I would give everything I own, every cent, to go back in time and NOT do a vasectomy."

Comment Two: "I've long wondered the same thing - but not in the sense that her body could ultimately sense the sterile semen. My intuition is that the knowledge (in her frontal lobe) of your sterility could creep into or influence her hindbrain and cause her attraction to switch off (i.e., her hindbrain would see you as substantially less alpha)."

Comment Three: "After mine I found a tremendous increase in sex drive. I don't think it was entirely due to being able to raw dog; I think it also had to do with the overall chemistry occurring with the sperm staying in the body. Like the body wanted to do it more to make sure some got out. Disclaimer: I had a bit of ball pain with mine, but it only lasted a year or two. Disclaimer #2: I'm now divorced. I think the reversal after divorce is for obvious reasons: you want a child with the new partner. I'm too old for that (can't stand younger women - they don't get my jokes)"

Note his Disclaimer #2.

Comment Four: "I'm repulsed by my husbands vasectomy and not for fertility reasons he feels like less of a man to me incomplete etc."

Comment Five: "My love button has been turned off since my husband's vasectomy. Sex just isn't what it used to be. I loved the way he would squirt all over me and now it just drops off the end. It's like going to watch fireworks and awaiting the grand finale...but you get one of those little streamer kinds. It is disappointing. He no longer smells like he did either. He would walk by and I could get so turned on by his scent and now, it seems like it's gone. I can't even smell it on his clothes like I did when doing laundry. I used to get turned on doing his laundry! Since his vasectomy, things have gone downhill sexually and just between us. I vividly remember him coming through the door after his vasectomy procedure and he seemed different to me. In fact, I almost instantly started looking at and lusting for other men. How do you explain that?

You bet it's biology. Now I'm disconnected and looking for answers. We have 3 kids and certainly don't want more. Vasectomy is just so sad in the end. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Don't do it. You will get more sex before the procedure!!!I'm loyal and I want to stay together but I also don't want to stay in a relationship with sex that doesn't turn me on.I can see why this could lead to divorce. I just want the man I couldn't get enough of back.Vasectomy took him away. We're together and all...It's just different now.Hard to explain but living it"

Comment Six: "My Ex boyfriend got a vasectomy in the beginning of our relationship by his own choice before we decided to get serious. After it was done, he had lots of pain, and ultimately an infection in one of the tubes, that he had to take antibiotics for. After that, I completely lost interest in him sexually, consciencely knowing he didn't produce any sperm. Forget marriage to a man I couldn't have a family with either, hence him now being my EX boyfriend. I think it ruined it for me because in my mind, if he wasn't fertile, he wasn't worth it. I know it sounds terrible, But that's honestly how I felt."

So all I'm saying here is that it makes me wonder. Is there some sort of casual link that goes Vasectomy -> Loss Of Sexual Attraction -> Divorce. Whether that loss of wifely attraction comes from a biological or psychological basis doesn't really matter, though it would be interesting to find out.

More importantly... why hasn't this been studied?

Sexy Move: Watch The Soccer

Hey the World Cup is on! Don't forget to get behind a team. I think Argentina looks good.

All Purpose Flirting, Teasing And Unexpected Baked Goods

For the most part the key to Gaming females of all ages is a mixture of being unafraid of them in a "I notice you but I'm not affected by you" way, and staying light and playful. Gentle teasing is like catnip as well. Not harsh put downs, just a light ruffle drawing attention to their weaknesses. They love a little mild naughtiness too. It's mostly just a male of flirting.

The more you start to do it and practice it, the more natural it becomes and the easier it gets. Eventually it just becomes second nature. As an aisde for the work related examples below, my wife works the same place I do and is all purpose loved by everyone that comes into contact with her and is hotter than everyone else. The chance of anyone really getting the wrong idea is very very low. That being said, I don't go as far as sexual comments with anyone other than Jennifer.

Some examples;

Female Co-worker to maintenance guy doing a complete bathroom remodel: "Well look at this kitchen, we need a new kitchen".

Guy: "What's wrong with the kitchen???"

Female Co-worker: starts rant of all kitchen weaknesses.

Me: "Wow look how easily she just slips into wife mode".

She laughs and rant ends.

Jennifer by text: "Daughter #1 is at xxxx house until 6pm and daughter #2 is at xxxxx house until 5pm".

Me: "Get naked. OMW!!!!"

Jennifer: "lmao yes sir!"

Me: "Oh... hang on, Brazil is about to play. Sorry :-D"

Next day...

Me by text: "Lingerie top of your choice. Stockings. Me on top. You loud. That is all."

Jennifer: " Gotcha   :->  that is all".

Favorite Female Co-worker asks for feedback on her new job assignment.... I reply with seven good points and slip in "feed me baked goods".  (I totally trust she won't react badly)

Email Reply: "yada yada yada and I will not be feeding you baked goods, but I might make cupcakes for the next staff meeting".

Me later text: "LOL I forgot about the baked goods line"

FFCW: "Hahaa"

5th Grade Field Trip at Boston Science Museum chaperoning three girls. I'm hungry and need a snack and decide to spring for snacks for all three as well. They have all been very well behaved all day...

Me: "Ok girls you can choose a snack or a drink from this display".

Daughter #2: "yay"

Friend #1 looking: "Ohhh, hmmm..."

Friend #2 looking: "Ummm maybe I'll have... no..."

Daughter #2: "I don't know what I want".

Friend #1: "Me neither, but I am hungry".

Friend #2 picks up item, returns it to shelf, repeats.

Daughter #2: "maybe some fruit".

Friend #1: "well that looks good, what are you having?"

Friend #2: "I can't decide between the apple and the Peanut Butter Cups".

Repeat this conversation twice more...

Me: "SNACKS UP ON THE COUNTER TO PAY OR MISS OUT IN...TEN NINE EIGHT SEVEN SIX FIVE FOUR THREE TWO ONE ZERO."

All three decide and grab on the "one" lol.

Me: "Come here" patting sofa between my legs.

Jennifer comes over and we cuddle with her back to me on my chest and chat and snuggle. After a few minutes it becomes apparent that this is one of those slightly awkward positions that is nice for closeness but not 100% comfortable long term.

Me: "You're just tolerating this like a good girlfriend aren't you".

I get the faux arm slap thing from my wife of fifteen years.

FFCW: "What do you think of ABC?"

Me: "blah blah blah ABC is good"

FFCW: "Yeah but I was also thinking maybe the exact opposite of ABC as well".

Me: "well blah blah that could work as well".

FFCW: "Well blah blah reading between the lines I'm trying to find a way to get you to commit to a position so I can disagree with you on this trivial point blah blah blah".

Me falling to knees dramatically and faux pleading: "I don't know how to please you.... what do you want me to say lol".

FFCW: laughs.

Two minutes later...

FFCW: "So what kind of cupcakes do you want?"

Me: "Lemon Poppy"

Results pending...

Catching Up On Cheating And Why You Need A Contingency Plan

It seems people are reading my third post on cheating and not reading the first two. So lets recap a little.

What To Do When There's Another Man In The Picture - Why cheating isn't just a Fitness Test. Why you can't just play it cool and try and Game her back. How wives cheating typically results from the husbands failure to engage them with a combination of Alpha and Beta traits. It also followed along from the earlier Dopamine posts about female boredom.

Spy Mode: What Do To When You Think Your Wife Is Cheating - How cheaters; lie, are delusional, exhibit changed behavior and become addicted to the cheating experience. The immediate step being to determine if the suspecting cheating is actually happening, by which you actively spy on your partner and gather better information and documentation of the cheating. Methods being key loggers, phone tapping, GPS tracking and hidden cameras. Once you discover things you may not even wish to continue the marriage and may opt to simply end things. If you do decide to try and fight for the marriage you take the following steps: you reveal your knowledge and proof of the cheating (they will always deny without proof) and give two choices.

Option one involves breaking it off completely with the other man, submitting to STD and pregnancy testing, possibly testing paternity of all children, attend marriage counseling together (more on this in a later post).

Option two is to simply be divorced.

The Social Nuclear Bomb: What To Do When You Catch Your Wife Cheating - Because cheating with a lover is addictive, despite a cheater confessing and agreeing to stop seeing a lover, they will often seek to re-establish contact. During this time of detox from the cheating getting professional help is of some value and the cheating spouse needs to start rebuilding trust by being completely open and available to the non-cheating spouse. If it is proving a losing battle, then final option is to unveil the proof of the cheating to every person that has influence over the cheater and ask for assistance in the intervention. It may or may not work, but it is something. The most important thing is that the cheater have no contact with the lover, this allows time for the marriage relationship to be rebuilt and for husbands, time to brush up on the gaming of their wife.

I'm assuming if the route you want to take is just ending the relationship, you don't need much help beyond finding an attorney. Good luck and I mean that sincerely. However if you want to try it the way I've laid out, do so with the knowledge that this isn't just something I thought up in an afternoon. This is about a year's worth of reading and responding to hundreds of posts and stories on the Talk About Marriage boards. Cheating makes up about 70% of the issues there. This stuff does in general work but it's no guarantee either.

Personally I hope you never have to use any of these few posts. But simply knowing this basic information and having your spouse know that you have a contingency plan and the will to execute it, is a form of prevention in and of itself. You learn and know this stuff for the same reason banks have a dozen cameras inside them - prevention as much as the ability to catch a crook.

Discovering cheating and the decision to end a marriage or not are possibly the worst moments imaginable for anyone to live through. There are no easy answers and until those moments come upon you, you may imagine what you would do, but you may not truly know. Some that say they would stay and fight until everything was exhausted and no hope remained, just quietly gather their things and go. Some that say they would kill her in cold blood just crumple, weep and plead.

I will say this though - should you decide to offer a chance of redemption to a cheater... that's the only one they get. Not only that, but it very probably uses up that one chance for any future women in your life that do the same thing.

I'll get to a counseling post soon. Honestly though, I find just wrinting about cheating as a topic draining and unpleasant. I might be off posting for a day or two.

The Social Nuclear Bomb: What To Do When You Catch Your Wife Cheating

So... assuming you're following along the first and second post about what to do if another man is gaining traction on your wife, we're up to the part where you've unveiled that you know what is going on and you have some sort of documented proof that she's up to no good and you've sprung it on her.

The thing to know is that they will almost always agree in the moment you say you know about it all to break it all off and return to you. This is typically a very genuine reaction in the moment. She's not trying to lie. What happens is The Time Before Writing "Oh SHIT!" software routine gets run and she immediately becomes docile and submissive to avoid being killed by an jealously enraged mate. However as I have pointed out before she is still emotionally hooked into the whole experience with the other man and riding the Dopamine roller coaster.

So she's possibly going to try and wiggle out and go back and somehow keep seeing him. Also remember that the other man is doing the same Dopamine roller coaster thing as well and is going to want to try and keep seeing her. Plus your darling wife probably painted you as some sort of monster / asshole / total loser to him, so he's possibly got it in his mind that he needs to rescue your wife from you on some level. Which is all based on her lies and his delusions of course. So you need to keep both of them apart.

At this point your surveillance is going to need to intensify on a direct face to face manner and you're going to have to step up things on a sort of "supervise the prisoner" sort of level. She will have to be completely open about where she is, who she is with, what she is doing and on a case by case basis you may have to alter some of her commitments. If this all happened via a gym membership, she needs to find a new gym. Via church group, gotta find a new group. Via online group, she can't go back. Via job, well this can be tricky... but if possible a new job or transfer can be very helpful. You're dealing with an addict and she still can't be trusted.

Ideally this sort of additional control is a short term thing until her feelings subside. This may be a few months and generally I advise additional professional help with this. You tend to be getting emotionally involved and it's hard to maintain perspective without help. Also at some point you will need to relax this level of control as eventually the control itself will become a sticking point and cause problems. Once the in love feelings subside and the wife sees her prior love interest in the cold light of day she can often experience acute embarrassment and even revulsion for him. (I'm sure you've all experienced something similar for someone you've fallen out of love with at some point in your life).

Now if this isn't working and she continues to have contact with him, you simply step it up to the next level. Which means that everyone that has an influence over her gets to see the documentation of the inappropriate behavior along with your request to ask them to talk sense into her. And by everyone I mean; her parents, her siblings, her friends... basically anyone with influence. The important thing is that this isn't framed as "your daughter is a frakking whore and here's proof of your little whore whoring", but as "I'm willing to go to counseling and work on things, but she has refused to stop seeing him or work on this with me, I don't want to divorce her, but obviously this just can't continue. I want to save our marriage and life together, but she isn't listening to me, can you please talk to her."

And naturally if the other man has a wife or girlfriend, you inform her of everything as well. No point letting him sleep easily Seriously, fuck him over as well as you can with proof. No hitting though... which is a pity, but there we go.

So anyway, telling everyone brings it all out into the open and the light. If that doesn't break her cheating then nothing will and I firmly advise you to just get STD tested yourself and divorce her without flinching. Do be careful about telling your family about her cheating though, for some reason even after you have moved on and forgiven and healed your marriage, your family will hate her for all eternity and that may cause longer term problems.

Women and Romance Novels

We had lunch today with my wife's parents and sister and three of her kids. We're coming out of the restaurant and my wife is in the process of giving her mother a romantic novel of some sort. They have this short back and forth discussion about the author and how they have this love hate relationship with her. Apparently she is a wonderful writer but she always makes them want to cry at the end with some sort of plot twist.

Then there was some talk about how it was all so meaningful and this author touched on issues, and why does she have to kill off a certain character in all her books and blah blah blah.

So I'm just standing in proximity to my wife there as all this goes down and they end up looking at me like I'm going to dive into the conversation and add something to it. So I do...

"Sorry I was drifting off, the Germany and Australia World Cup match starts in twenty minutes".

I get faux beaten with open handed slaps on my upper arms simultaneously by both my wife and mother-in-law. It's how women let you know that you just created additional gina tingle and they are responding to you. I'm not saying I want something with my mother-in-law, but pulling a double slap is a rare treat.


Oh and by the way, I'm not down on romance novels. Once in a great while I'll read one, but I'm not really excited by them, but it's like catnip to many women. Jennifer likes to read them on the sofa rather than watching TV and some nights comes to bed... um... preheated.  So I cope as best I can.


Edit: Jennifer just told me that this woman doesn't even write romance novels. The last one was about cystic fibrosis. So I'd feel embarrassed about completely misreading that entire conversation, but I'm obnoxious.

Spy Mode: What To Do When You Think Your Wife Is Cheating

"But I'm not sleeping with him, we just talk all day.

Ok so here we go on part two of what to do when another man starts gaining some traction on your wife’s interest level. Part One is here.

As an aside, I’ve never had to do any of this with Jennifer and the majority of this information is a distilling of the overall viewpoint I gained from the Talk About Marriage boards on how to intervene in a situation where cheating is starting to happen.

So let’s learn a few simple things about people who are cheating.

If you Google for signs that you spouse is cheating, you can come up with hundreds of somewhat contradictory signs, but it all boils down one simple thing. They just exhibit a change their behavior somehow. If they had been reliably doing A B and C, but suddenly they start doing X Y and Z. It doesn’t matter what A B C or X Y Z actually is you’re just looking for the change in behavior.

The second thing to know about cheaters is that they lie. Lies are like rats, for every lie you catch, there’s usually a hundred you didn’t. You may catch them in a fairly minor lie that may not seem to directly relate to cheating, but you never know. The lies can start small, like simple omissions of information – like I had lunch with a guy I’m very attracted to that I work with. Then slowly ramp up to bigger things like secret bank accounts, "I can’t leave work the boss is making me stay", "it’s your baby" yada yada yada.

The third thing to know is that cheaters are basing their entire decision making framework on the belief in that they are able to get away with it and not experience a negative outcome. As an example – I can very much enjoy a fantasy experience of dreaming about robbing a bank and loving all the money – but I don’t rob banks because I believe I’ll get caught. Actual bank robbers believe they can get away with it and getting caught is a horrible shock to them. For the most part robbing a bank these days requires someone completely delusional considering the amount of cameras et al. Likewise people that are cheating are assuming that they can get away with it; that there are no consequences for their actions. The delusion also extends to thoughts like “I love them both, just differently”, “I can’t help myself” and so on.

Click to read how she's hooked. Standard BS.

The fourth thing to know is that the entire thing is addictive to the cheater. The whole thing of “it just happened” really does happen, but usually it gets spread over many small occasions rather than one bizarre event. What happens is usually the cheater experiences something pleasant with a member of the opposite sex, a flirt, a smile, something nice, a little attention and it’s all completely harmless. So they go back for another little nibble on the good feelings. Then they go back for another little nibble. Fast forward a couple weeks and the Dopamine has kicked in and the full OCD-like symptoms of interest in another person has started to take over their thought process. Now they can’t live without lunch with the love interest, they have to call them repeatedly, they need their texts and so on. The more serious it is the more evidence will pile up.

The answer to this combination of changed behavior, lying, delusion and addiction is to drag it all out into the ugly light of day. And to do that you’re going to need information and documentation… you gotta spy on them.

I do have two serious warnings about spying though. The first is that it will drive you paranoid and half crazy just doing it. Then even innocent things can seem more than it really is to your crazy thinking. The second is that if you get caught spying and your spouse was doing nothing with anyone, you’re going to look like a lunatic and that could damage the relationship. So never get caught and never start this without at least some evidence that they are being shady.

Now the first thing I recommend is that you keylogger their home computer. I recommend Spector Pro for this. Never used it myself, but has many great reviews all over the Internet and seems to have a great set of features.

The next thing you can do is tap her cell phone. As far as I can tell as long as the phone plan is in your name, you’re good to go legally on tapping “your own phone” that she just happens to be using. There are dozens of websites that offer to sell this stuff and I have no particular recommendation. Importantly you can get ones that track the GPS location of the phone.

There are also GPS tracking devices for use in cars, though it seems like they are less reliable and if you’re going the cell phone tap route you may as well get a good one of that.

If you’re suspecting the relationship is physical and happening in your own home, you can go for a huge variety of nanny cams that are motion activated. If you’re catching her out and about, there are a variety of spy cameras or even most good cell phones take decent pictures or even video anyway.

Then you lay low and collect information. Print a hard copy of everything and anything that looks bad. If she’s going to some guy's house (GPS tracked her there), you need to snap shots of her going in and out. Absolutely do not tip your hand that you are spying until you have solid evidence against her.

You need to visit a few attorney’s offices and grab a few business cards and whatever divorce handouts they have. Also do the same thing for marriage counselors.

Once you have solid proof that something inappropriate is going on, you unload the whole thing on her and drag it all out into the open. Here’s your list of 53 phone calls to Mr. X in the last two weeks. Here are all your texts to him. Here are the photos of your breasts you sent him. When you said you were at the movies with your sister on Friday you cell phone GPS was at his house for two hours. You’ve been to his house four times in the last two weeks. Here are all the emails where you said he was fantastic in bed, here’s a photo of you both holding hands in public. Whatever it is just lay it on with a shovel.

Then she has a simple choice.

Choice One. She breaks it off with the other man, as in completely off, NO CONTACT beyond a final message to him “sorry my husband caught me, I’m going back to him, this is over”. This all happens in front of you by the way. Any repeated attempts by him to contact her need to be ignored, or if it becomes threatening in any way it becomes a police matter via 911 and/or restraining order. The no contact is absolutely vital in that she needs to be weaned off the addictive effects of contact with the other man.

Gotta go get tested. Always.

She also needs to comply with immediate STD testing, regardless of whether or not she said it was physical. That can be done at her primary doctors. If there is any possibility of pregnancy I’d advise testing that as well. This is one of those “reorient her to reality” things. It doesn't matter what she says happened, cheaters are liars and lying liars need to pee into a cup. You don't have sex until the results are in.

Depending on circumstance it may be worth paternity testing any and all children you have with her. If you're catching her now, what's to say she wasn't cheating then.

Then she also needs to agree to attend marriage counseling together.

Choice Two. She needs to pick a divorce attorney from one of the business cards. There’s no way in hell you’re going to let her cheat on you and not stop.

Now usually all this should stop her in her tracks cold. Most times you’re probably going to get a huge emotional reaction, crying, screaming, wailing and even puking for a full on remorse display. Or it may all be too late and she just opts for option two.

What may happen though is she’s going to opt for option one and then because she is still hooked into the other man emotionally etc, she’s going to try and wriggle out of it and continue things. So tomorrow I’ll talk about Plan B.

And naturally all this assumes that you want to save the marriage even after discovering what you uncover. These are serious choices; a knee jerk “kick the bitch out” usually ignores the difficulty of unpicking a long marriage relationship. Kids, money, house, savings. It’s not an easy road no matter which you choose. Many marriages can recover from affairs both emotional and physical and end up stronger for it. Others... others sadly don't. Affairs suck. I can't make the stay or go choice for you, everyone is different.

What To Do When There's Another Man In The Picture

We've covered Fitness Tests and Female Boredom and how that all ties into Dopamine. Recapping quickly... many women are attracted to dominant men and gain active enjoyment in the form of feeling excited when they are reacting to such a man. The hormone that acts as a reward mechanism for this is Dopamine. Lacking the stimulus they want women feel bored and to solve that problem they can consciously or more frequently unconsciously force an issue towards potential confrontation by creating a Fitness Test for their man to pass and thereby assert dominance over her.

Men pass Fitness Tests best by generally not reacting to them over much. The tactics of reframing the test so that it seems silly, responding with humor, responding with boyish sexual interest or plain old just saying "no" work very well. (Remembering of course that simply her asking you to do something isn't always a test. It's a test essentially when she is asking you to allow her to treat you badly, or have her gain something at your expense.)

Basically by not feeding into the test and reacting to her, the male retains the locus of control in the relationship and the female despite the initial upset at being denied her request does ultimately respond with attraction to the display of dominance. (And again - not all women are submissive, not all men are dominant, your mileage may vary, yada yada yada.)

However there is one particular set of circumstances where the man really does have to react very directly when his woman starts acting out on him and ignoring or trying to reframe her behavior will backfire. That's when another man is starting to enter the picture.

And yes - if another man is gaining traction on a wife, it's pretty likely that the husband is screwing up somewhere on either the Alpha or Beta Traits. Maybe both. Usually women who get a decent helping of both traits from one guy that is sexing them up right will stick around very faithfully to him. But if you're in the middle of a triangle you have to know what to do for the immediate problem - the other man.

I'm also not just talking about some guy hitting on her in passing, or flirting or whatever incidental. That you just celebrate with a smile. No worries there, that's normal, she's a hottie. I'm talking about too many phone calls, chatrooms, world of texting, sneaky lunches kinda sorta and a funny feeling in your stomach.

Firstly you cannot view this as a Fitness Test and play it cool. If you lay back off her and generally show that you are unconcerned and take a view that you'll just display higher value, that just gives her more room to interact with the other guy. The classic line given by cheating partners early on is a request for "space". So if you give her "space" per her request, her "alone time" quickly turns into a beeline to the other man. Any time you hear a request for "space" you need to immediately figure out if you're a clingy on her, or if she is up to something. Either way, it's bad.

Now sex with the new guy may or may not be happening. She might just be hanging out, many intense relationships outside of marriage can go months or even years before turning sexual. Some never turn sexual but can damage just the same. The energy that could have gone into the marriage relationship gets diverted and lost into another one. Emotional affairs can end a marriage just as a physical affair can.

The trouble is if you back off, she gets a lot of excitement and stimulus from the other man. So she gets her addictive Dopamine fix from him, rather than you. So this is how a few harmless little meetings can snowball into a full fledged crush and obsessive thinking over another man, despite being married to you. So the solution is that the relationship with the other man needs to be interrupted as best you can. The longer you let it go on, the worse things get. You have to actively fight for her.

Now obviously back in the Time Before Writing the textbook method of dealing with another man interested in your woman and not responding to aggressive eye contact would have been a spear tip shoved repeatedly into the squishy bits of his body. Or using an early ninjitsu technique and while he slept smashing his head in with a rock. This still retains some appeal today, but generally results in extended jail terms so I advise firmly against it. Plus while you're inside, your wife divorces you and hooks up with someone else. Thus negating the entire point of the idea of putting Mr Loverboy in a burlap sack and playing Home Run Derby.

Likewise if you use violence on her... say coming home unexpectedly early and yanking hard on her arm to pull her off the top of him... you will also likely go to jail or after all the dust settles probably end up in a lifestyle where jail would offer better food and medical benefits. So violence, despite its natural appeal, is a poor solution for the modern man.

But as I say, you have to actively fight for her. Basically whoever brings the overall strongest male position to bear generally carries the day. And yes I know... "strongest male position" is a loose term... I'll explain more tomorrow.

And for the record, much of this applies the same for when a husband is starting to get hooked into another woman. Though as I've said before, the ladies are welcome, but I'm writing to the guys.