What To Do When Your Wife Doesn't Want To Have Sex With You

Via email and comments I keep getting asked a variation on this question;

“How do I make my wife do (or be) XYZ?”

Also the questioners almost always want something that “works right away”.

Well the first step in troubleshooting a wife that isn’t working properly is to disconnect her from her power source and wait 30 seconds, then plug her back in and see if when she reboots if that solves the problem. Often that solves the issue with some of the earlier Stepford models. Otherwise open up the back and manually pull out and switch the Soap Opera Module and the Sex Drive Module into each others slots, then restart and clear the shoes and shopping cache and see if that frees up memory processing. If that fails call tech support and we never had that conversation.

Of course if you’re still struggling with one of the quaint flesh and blood types, things are a little different. These ones have a voice activated interface where you actually have to talk to them to discuss what it is you want from the relationship.

Of course that all can fail and you can find yourself denied enough sexual expression in your relationship, while at the same time being also denied allowance to otherwise find satisfaction outside your relationship. That’s a cruel situation and yes I believe you are being cheated out of what you signed up for. Then a struggling husband finds me somehow and they end up asking me for a magic bullet to make the wife turn red hot and willing.

I’m all out of magic bullets. I had three of them but I traded one for World of Warcraft gold in 2005, I was doing the dishes and lost the second down the sink and with the third I accidentally shot myself in my own ass. Sorry, my bad.

Anyway...

Assuming the wife has no medical/health issues nerfing her sexual desire in general, my basic theory is that if your wife isn’t sexually interested in you, it’s because she doesn’t find you sexually attractive. I.e. she’s a Sex Rank 7 and you’re a Sex Rank 6.

You can beg, plead, reason, argue, make deals, promise, hope, pray, wish, dream, ask and cry with frustration to your wife about the sex life you have and it will likely make little difference. Oh sure she may make a token effort to have more sex, but after a week or two it will return to the baseline sex life you had. She's not into you.

The solution is not to see it as “her problem” and something she needs to change about her in order to fix things. She can’t change this. Sexual attraction isn’t a choice it’s a response to stimulation. The solution is for you to become more sexually attractive. If you’re a Sex Rank 6, you become a Sex Rank 7. Then go to 8. She will find it hard not to respond to you more sexually. You won’t even be likely to need to have the conversation to ask her to do more sexual things or be more emotionally connected to you. She’ll just respond.

Of course the one thing that I need to emphasize here is that actually increasing your Sex Rank isn’t quick and it isn’t easy. If for example you issue is that you weight 240 pounds, and you really should be 180 pounds, that road to lose 60 pounds is not going to be overnight or effortless. If your issue is that you can’t hold a job, turning that around can take 1-2 years before you find one, settle your crap down and get to a first promotion / better hours etc. If you issue is you dress like a slob, finding that extra $1-2,000 to transform a wardrobe can take a while to earn and spend. If you’re terrible at keeping a house together, you may have a years worth of DIY projects ahead of you.

So obviously if you're any shade of this guy...

...you can see that whining about not enough sex is going to get you nowhere with your wife.

As a rough guide give yourself a year per point of Sex Rank... i.e. 6 turning into a 7 is a year. Then 7 into 8 is a second year. It’s a slow and gradual and serious effort process. There is no one killer move that makes her vagina explode with fluids at your approach. It’s about you becoming a better man. Good sex is the consequence of being sexy.

Also I’ve said numerous times that the entire approach of becoming more sexy may in fact fail with your wife. You can turn from 6 to 7 to 8 and she may respond to that, or she may not. My hunch is that the majority of the time she will. After all she was into you enough to marry you, so there has to be some sort of baseline interest, and that interest should peak if you are the best version of you possible. I also expect that as you perk up your Sex Rank, she will follow your lead to keep pace. Ideally there isn’t even a “fight night” where everything turns into a dramatic confrontation – you just up the sexy and she follows suit.

However, she may not respond positively and you will be faced with the possibility that the marriage will have to end in order to move onto the sex life you need and deserve. If it goes down the divorce route, you are still better off seeking new sex partners as an 8 than as a 6. So either way you will win from the process of making yourself more attractive to women.

Also by failing to take action and increase your sex appeal, you run the risk that your wife may simply take her own action against your own interest. She may simply divorce you or cheat on you. You may get to be a proud but unwitting non-biological father. Women like sex just as much as men do. If she is not having sex with you because she is not attracted to you, that does not mean she has a low sex drive. If you are less sexy that your wife and you plan to just coast along, do not be surprised if you find out one day that she has a lover she is passionately involved with. And you sure as hell don’t offer to share her with anyone to try and keep her with you. That’s like being in the express lane in the wrong direction. Chump be thy name.

Here’s the punnett square to help you see the decision options...

So as cynical as my advice may seem, the only person you can really control is you. And as long as you take positive action, you will end up with a positive sexual outcome regardless of your wife's decisions and behavior.

Naturally there is no rush to an ultimatum. Divorce is amazingly serious with kids and houses and money and careers all tied up together. Unpicking all that is going to be a mess. But if you're basically being shorted on the love and sex front, you are ultimately being screwed over and sometimes you just have to see the whole thing as abusive towards you. You can't have an agreement for a fair exchange, do your part and not get your half of the exchange in return.

The other thing to consider is that when you’re about 2-3 months in, your wife should be noticing some positive changes in you. Don’t forget that marriage is a team sport. If you can prove that you’re heading in a positive direction and have some momentum, she’s quite possibly going to be your biggest ally in your quest.

PUA Game is all about Style. Married Game is all about adding Substance. Get some.