There comes a time in every man’s life, when the woman he is involved with asks the dreaded question.
“Do these pants make my ass look fat?” (DTPMMALF)
Guys tend to be simple creatures with basic needs. Feed us, let us have a place to sleep and some form of entertainment and we usually run at 95% of maximum happiness. Most guys will automatically attempt to answer any question with a one word answer. Unfortunately the only words that spring to mind are either “yes” or “no”.
Answering “yes” is of course a terrible choice. If you can’t figure out why on your own, you’re probably not salvageable as a male. (Also those kids calling you Dad probably aren’t yours either – just a heads up)
Answering “no” is not the relationship suicide that answering “yes” is, but if you watch her face carefully you will not see any enjoyment in hearing a “no” answer. “No” is not the right answer, somehow you have failed.
Occasionally someone will attempt to answer DTPMMALF by neither answering “yes” or “no” and advancing a cautious “maybe” as an answer. The Maybe Gambit does work as an answer, but – and this is important – it works only if you are her girlfriend or a gay friend.
You answering “maybe” just makes you seem completely developmentally delayed. You are expected to have strong well formed opinions on the state of her body. Have you been paying attention to her at all?
The other attempted answer is the It’s All In Your Head Defense where the you explain that she is somehow mentally unstable for asking the question. This is the best of the answers so far, but is essentially an insult at heart and drives the two of you a little further apart. Don’t use it.
The Actual Question Being Asked
Having covered what not to answer DTPMMALF with, its time to find out what to answer DTPMMALF with. Lets break down DTPMMALF into something simple enough for the average guy to understand. When she says,
“Do these pants make my ass look fat?”
You should hear,
“Xx xxxxx xxxxx xxxx xx ass xxxx xxx?”
Removing the verbal clutter, it is summarized to,
“ass?”
The correct response to that question, is your first and natural response. I.e. “yes of course I’d like some ass”. Remember how the “no” answer didn’t please her? See how you screwed that up now?
So how do you answer DTPMMALF - and get laid.
Give her your best I’m-a-sly-dog-naughty-boy smile. Hold the smile and make eye contact for at least 3–5 seconds until she stops whatever she is doing and pays complete attention to you. Then say…
“I don’t know. I would have to see your ass without the pants.”
Then just wait expectantly, continuing to hold eye contact.
Now What Happens?!?!
One of two things will happen. Either she takes the pants off or she doesn’t. If she takes them off… close the deal. If she doesn’t take them off she should have at least smiled letting you know you answered the question correctly. That means good things will happen to you from her in the near future. Don’t be a twit and blow it.
Warning About Answering DTPMMALF Correctly.
Women only ask this question when they are in the fertile part of their monthly cycle.
I’m A Woman and I’m Angry About This Post
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